Maeve Higgins’s ideal . . . . amount of sleep
I was in my bedroom the other day, playing around in the right side of my brain, coming up with some business ideas. I have a hunch that computers will be big in the next few years, and thought – what if they could talk to each other? Even from different rooms ... a sort of “network of networks”.
I googled that term to see if anything similar already existed. My excitement faded when I read about the internet. I felt glum and stopped brainstorming.
Instead, I decided to figure out the ideal time I should spend sleeping each night.
Experts say that somewhere between four and 12 hours is best. Well, I’m sorry Experts but that’s too prescriptive for me. I’m a free spirit. Why else would I be alone so much of the time? I don’t want to be, that’s for sure.
Anyway, I’m through with Experts. Experts are the ones who said confidently that I would not go to prison, as long as I apologised. They promised that cornrows with small silver bells on the end would work well with my hair. And they are the exact same people that told me you couldn’t get pregnant if you did it standing up. Let me tell you, as a reluctant mother of seven little boys, that is certainly not true.
Ensuring you get enough sleep is a very adult thing to do and I am a very adult type of girl. I’m so adult I should come with a warning.
I’ll give you an example. Recently I heard myself say “I am completely addicted to Rooibos tea.” I even pronounced Rooibos correctly , like a real jerk.*
I was furious, but eventually forgave myself because saying tedious things and drinking decaffeinated beverages are essential parts of growing up. As is accepting that, if I don’t get enough sleep, I’ll pay for it the next day. Not with sweet cash, unfortunately, but with unpleasant changes to my personality.
I tend to get very right-wing when I’m overtired, vandalous too. On Tuesday morning, after a particularly late night, I found myself spray-painting “There’s no such thing as society” on the wall of my local library. Very out of character!
It’s frustrating to think about what you’re missing out on as you sleep. All the snacks. All the chats. All that time when you could be watching videos of goats yelling like humans.
So, I don’t think about that. Instead, I think about how I feel after I’ve had enough sleep – which is something approaching a manageable human being, as opposed to a strange monster on the fringes of society. It’s a good feeling!
The dream amount of dream time for me is eight hours. Infinity, the right way up.
*Money saving tip: If you like herbal tea, get a rat, any rat. Hold your rat over a pail as and when they answer the call of nature. Steep some hay in that pail for three nights. Boil. Congratulations, you have made camomile tea.