With new love comes a new sexual challenge for our relationship
Q I write as a widow in her late 50s, who had almost resigned herself to living out my days in celibacy, until I met a wonderful widower also in his 50s.
It’s been a whirlwind, falling in love again. Trips to the concert hall, long walks hand-in-hand, romantic dinners. We truly are second soulmates for each other. However, I was brought up at a time when sexual matters were never to be mentioned. Whereas my new lover spent much of his career in America, and has no such qualms.
We have shared a few long sensual nights together, but without fully consummating our new love. I held back a bit, as is proper for a lady at my stage in life, but not for want of desire.
However, he didn’t take the lead as strongly as I would have expected from the man. He must have sensed my growing impatience when he announced that there was something I needed to know before we took things any further.
Alarms bells ringing.
He informed me that over the years his body had “slowed down” and before his dear wife passed away, the only way for him to achieve erection was for her to “orally stimulate” him for a few minutes beforehand.
Kate, let me tell you, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I heard it. It seemed so unnecessary to bring her into it. He also said he’d be “perfectly happy to reciprocate”, whatever that means. If my dear departed ever wanted or needed such a thing, he certainly never said it out loud.
What shall I do? I wouldn’t be so against “expanding my horizons” but really, is that what people our age actually do these days? I wouldn’t even know where to start. Also wouldn’t it be wrong to grant my new love a pleasure that I withheld from my dear departed?
He’s gone away on business for two weeks, so I have that time to work out how to respond. I can’t bring myself to speak to my married friends or sisters about this. I don’t want to lose this unexpected second chance at happiness, but I’m very unsure about how to handle his request.
A I’m so happy for you, finding a “second soul mate”. What are the chances? Both you and your new lover have had your
sorrows, so an exciting new relationship is well deserved. It’s so romantic that you have taken your time to know each other before moving in to the bedroom, though part of the delay seems to be the fears that each of you have about how things will go in that department.
I think the nub of your problem is in the question, “Wouldn’t it be wrong to grant my new love a pleasure I withheld from my dear departed?” No, it wouldn’t be wrong. All sexual relationships are unique and different. What suits one couple may not be for another.