Illustration: Alan Clarke

. . . one black, one Chinese and one a little bit Eastern Europeany’

‘She’s kacking it that someone’s going to ask her to account for all the moo that passed through her hands’

‘You can’t unspoil children, just like you can’t unspoil milk. It’s too late if it’s already bad’

‘I’m egging on Vincent Browne to get stuck in, but the old man could shout down an Airbus engine’

Who’d be a father? I sometimes ask myself that. Then I remember that it’s one of the few things that I’m genuinely amazing at

‘This could be the drink talking but it looks to me like I’m very much gainfully employed again'

‘I stare at my wife and I think, please, Sorcha, for once in your life, do the wrong thing’

. . . closing that dress was like trying to stuff a duvet into a microwave’

‘I’m beginning to think that Chad is, like, my Mary Poppins? If that doesn’t sound too weird’

‘For the country’s third-fastest-growing confidential document disposal service, the Anglo tapes have been, like, a godsend’

‘Oh, look! Daddy’s watching that game that he was a failure at’

‘That’s what they are, these non-fee-paying schools. They’re sewage plants, belching out human effluent’

“The way I look at it,” I go, “is that we send Honor to school so she can be someone else’s problem for a little while at least. (...)

‘We had a peace summit in the Fu King Northside restaurant (Nanjing – Kowloon – Coolock)’

Put me on the board of governors and I will help make this school great again!

I’m in genuine shock, the reason being that I’ve never seen our daughter cry before

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