‘I’m beginning to think that Chad is, like, my Mary Poppins? If that doesn’t sound too weird’
I’m like, “My what?”
“Isn’t it your wedding anniversary tomorrow?”
I’m like, “Oh, no! I forgot. I totally forgot!”
He’s there, “Hey, don’t worry. I kind of know what she wants. Look, I’m sorry but I just happened to overhear her say to her friend – is it Sophie? – on the phone that she’d seen this diamond bracelet that she loved. Then I noticed, in the kitchen, one of her magazines was open on an ad for Tiffany’s that had a bracelet – presumably the same one – on it. If you want to go to the store now, I could definitely pick it out for you.”
I end up just laughing as I point the cor in the direction of BTs. I suddenly don’t care that I don’t remember him. In the course of, like, a morning, Chad has made me a better golfer and a better husband.
Two hours later, we’re in the cor again – the bracelet in the phoca – and we’re heading out of town. I pull into the Apple Green on the Stillorgan dualler for petrol and Chad says he’ll fill it up – and pay – because me and Sorcha have been, like, so good to him?
When he’s inside, my phone just happens to ring and it ends up being JP. “Okay,” he goes, “I’ve been through all of my photographs from that summer in Ocean City. This dude isn’t in any of them. Christian and Oisinn went through theirs as well – same shit. Ross, there’s something very strange about all of this.”
I watch Chad walk across the forecourt towards me, with a bottle of Doctor Pepper and a packet of buffalo flavour Hunky Dorys – my favourite lunch – and I go, “It’s strange alright. It’s possibly even magical. I’m beginning to think that Chad is, like, my Mary Poppins? If that doesn’t sound too weird.”
There’s, like, silence on the other end, so I’m presuming it does. I tell him I have to go – my new bezzy mate is opening the door – and I hang up on him.
Ten minutes later – my lunch eaten – we’re back at the gaff. Honor is standing in the hallway when I open the front door. She takes, like, one look at me and goes, “Oh my God, do you have any idea how fat that golf sweater makes you look?”
My daughter is what you’d get if you crossed Sauron from Lord of the Rings with a speak your weight machine.
I’m trying to think of something to say back, roysh, when all of a sudden Chad lets rip.
“He is your father!” he goes, at the top of his voice. “He’s a great man! You show him the respect he deserves!”
And Honor is left just standing there, in total shock, her mouth flapping open and closed, like Sorcha’s granny when she was trying to wear in her new dentures.
I no longer care that I can’t remember Chad.
He can stay here for as long as he wants.