Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
'I'm remembering some of the eye broccoli I ended up with when I was unattached. We're talking serious horse-beasts'
Wearing a hoodie is a bit like sobering up and discovering that you’re having breakfast with a lap dancer. There’s a time of life when it’s both fun and perfectly acceptable. But you eventually reach an age when you end up having to ask yourself, ‘Am I getting too old for this?’ That gets an actual cheer from Christian, Oisinn and JP. They love it when I’m being, I suppose, philosophical?
The thing is, they’re all wearing hoodies and they’ve spent the last, like, hour slagging me about the way I’m dressed (black chinos, white shirt, purple Ralph tied around my shoulders). And the fact that I haven’t been properly out with them in ages. And the fact that there are eight – nine, at a push – very good looking women in Kielys of Donnybrook Town tonight and I haven’t used one of my famous lines on any of them.
“Settled” is the word that JP used.
I prefer “happy”.
“Yeah, no,” Oisinn goes, “that’s what’s actually weird. Where’s the old rage? I mean, Ireland are facing the biggest injury crisis possibly since rugby began and your name hasn’t been thrown into the mix once. What was that thing you said earlier? ‘Goys, Declan Kidney has to call it as he sees it!’ The old Ross would never have said that.”
JP goes, “So has it finally happened, Dude? Has Sorcha finally tamed the beast in you?”
I laugh, knock back a mouthful of Hydrogen – it’s genuinely like something out of a movie – and I go, “It’s called being content. You should try it some time. Now I need to take a WikiLeak,” and there’s a general chorus of, “Yeah, thanks for that information, Ross!” So anyway, roysh, I’m literally 10 yards away from the door of the Josh Ritter when I end up bumping into – as in, literally bumping into? – this girl, who just so happens to be a total stunner. Just to put it in, like, context for you, she’s a ringer for Daniela Moyles.
I’m like, “Oops, sorry,” and then I nod at the door of the jacks and go, “Beer in, beer out!” She actually ends up loving it as a line.
“Beer in, beer out,” she goes, laughing. “That’s really good. Okay, that’s actually really good.”
I’m there, “Do you think so?” I don’t know why I’m surprised.
She shrugs. “I mean, it’s funny, isn’t it?”
I’m there, “Hey, I’ve got loads of those. I could do that shit all night long.”
“I’m Susanne,” she goes, “spelt the German way,” and she offers me her hand.
I’m like, “Hey, it’s nice to meet you,” at the same time having to remind myself that I’m married. “I’m Ross.”
She smiles. “I know who you are.”
“Do you?”
“Doesn’t everyone? I remember you playing rugby. Okay, this is – oh my God – so embarrassing, but when I was in, like, Alexandra College, we used to follow you around.”
