New to the Parish: ‘I’m not completely Chinese but I’m not British or Irish’

Li Qiong Zhao always liked being an only child. She was born two years after China’s one-child policy was introduced, so none of her friends at school had siblings either.

“Sometimes my mum would mention ‘Do you think it would be nice to have a brother or sister?’ and I would imagine everything I owned would have to be shared. For me, that was scary. I thought all my things – my biscuits, my snacks – would be taken away.”

Zhao was born in 1980 in the Shanxi province in northern China. She grew up in the polluted city of Taiyuan, where she longed to breathe clean air, free of the clouds of smoke that filled the sky.

"Big cities like Beijing and Shanghai generated their energy and electricity with our coals, and the offset for us would be the pollution from the coal-mining industry."

After school, she moved to Scotland to work on her English-language skills before embarking on a degree in finance and economics in Aberdeen. Before leaving China, her father recommended she practise eating burgers and chips to prepare herself for the British diet.

“My dad said you need to get used to chips and burgers, that’s what western people eat. But the more he put pressure on me to get used to the food, the more I couldn’t take it.”

She was pleasantly surprised to discover Chinese restaurants dotted around the streets of Aberdeen. However, this was not the Chinese food she was accustomed to. “It was western Chinese food. People would mention sweet and sour pork with pineapple, and I’d say ‘I’ve never had that before.’ ”

The move to London

After university she moved to London to look for work. She needed work experience before moving back to China, but without a work visa it was impossible to find employment.

In order to stay in the UK, her only option was to return to her studies. “I went to London to study for a chartered accountant qualification. It was more of a tactical move while I looked for a job, and the tuition was cheaper than a degree.”

Although she appreciated the excitement of living in fast-paced London, she was very lonely. “I didn’t know anyone and I was at the stage where I didn’t know what to do with my life. But I did my best to put on a brave face and look for a job.”

Six months after arriving, she met an Irish man, Anthony Kelly, while working at an Irish pub in East Greenwich. The couple began dating. After a couple of months, Kelly invited his new girlfriend to visit Dublin.

"I didn't know much about Ireland. The first time I came here I thought I could use sterling. I was just thinking of Northern Ireland, as I'd been to Belfast. "

After moving to Scotland for two years, the couple got married and decided to try living in Ireland. Zhao found a job with Citibank but struggled to settle into her new Irish home.

“I felt lost and homesick. I wasn’t happy with my work environment. I resigned and told my husband I wanted to go back to China. I just knew I didn’t want to stay here.”

She had visited her parents every summer since moving to Europe, but found the distance increasingly difficult. She told her husband she needed a break, and asked if he wanted to join her in China.

“He said he wanted to come with me and would do whatever made me happy. Even his boss told him, ‘If Li wants to go back let her, but why do you have to leave?’ But he was invested in our relationship. He said, ‘If it’s a marriage you have to stay together’.”

She handed in her notice just days before Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy and the global financial market crashed. "My colleague called and said everyone had got redundancy. I just missed the redundancy and got nothing. I guess everything happens for a reason."

The couple spent nearly three years in Beijing, where Zhao gave birth to their first daughter, Maybelle. However, Kelly struggled to find work in IT and didn’t speak Mandarin. Eventually they decided to give Ireland another chance.

“I hadn’t been happy in Ireland but I wasn’t happy in China either. I felt like I was trapped in a gap: I’m not completely Chinese but I’m not British or Irish. I have a Chinese face but I just can’t find a place where I can fit in.”

The family arrived back in Ireland in 2011. Shortly after, she gave birth to their second daughter, Annabelle. They now life in Ratoath, Co Meath.

“Having a baby changes your life. You have to be strong. So I’m going to make Ireland a home for my kids. I have to be integrated and truly feel that this is my home. I need to feel that for my kids.

“So I became more positive, talked to the school teachers and neighbours. I found people were nice and friendly. It’s very different from Dublin city.”

She is eager for her daughters to speak Chinese and sends Maybelle to Mandarin lessons. “We have such battles about it. She refuses to go. She asks her school friends ‘Do you go to Chinese class?’ and they say no. She says to me, ‘Why do I have to go to class when my friends can play? It’s unfair.’ ”She tries to explain to her daughter the importance of being able to communicate with her grandparents.

“When Maybelle needs to talk to her Chinese grandparents, I have to translate, which makes me very sad. When you love someone, how do you talk to them? You face them and look them in the eyes. When her grandfather asks something, she turns to me and asks, ‘What did he say?’ That upsets me.”

She is confident that moving back to Ireland was the right decision. “We’re here for the kids. I left my family, my friends, my career behind so they could have a better future. With immigrant families, there’s always one generation that has to make a sacrifice so that the next generation can feel whole and have a sense of belonging.”

• We would like to hear from people who have moved to Ireland in the past five years. To get involved, email newtotheparish@irishtimes.com. @newtotheparish