‘My husband's family don't want us to have our baby’

I have been married to my husband for seven years; we met in an outpatient department of a mental health service. I have fully recovered from a brief spell of anxiety, but he has a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder. He has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice since we got married. He suffers from dreadful depressive episodes and brief periods of elation.

I love him a lot, and I have a good understanding of his illness. He was self-employed but we decided five years ago that he give up work as it caused him a lot of stress.

He receives some welfare but I have a well-paid job and support our relatively comfortable lifestyle. I am now pregnant and we are both overjoyed. I know that I too have vulnerabilities and that I will need to cut back on some of my work to look after our baby.

My husband is very supportive of this and he has started to look at ways to get himself back to work. His mother and sister on the other hand are furious with me. They have made it clear to me that they do not believe that two people with mental health difficulties – irrespective of how minor they might be – should have a child. They have accused me of being selfish and coercing my husband into being a father. They have also stated that they will actively discourage him to return to work as they fear he will relapse.

We both know that we have vulnerabilities and as a result every major decision we have made in our marriage has been planned out meticulously. I feel under a lot of pressure as I am worried that his family will persuade him not to work. He said he won’t feel comfortable looking after the baby and I respect that. But we won’t be able to afford to pay the mortgage and crèche fees.

The first major contribution to dealing with mental difficulties is self-awareness and it appears as though you and your husband have enormous amounts of this. What this means is that when and if difficulties arise in parenting, you will both be aware of it and will seek the appropriate help immediately. Your child will be a lucky one in this regard as you will both take responsibility for your issues and not visit them on your offspring.

It is a tough reality to face that your husband will not feel comfortable looking after the baby and that you will need to adjust your work accordingly but it is wonderful that you respect this and you both are factoring this into your plans for the future. That his own family are frightened and angry is understandable as they are both concerned for him and are worried about the possible consequences of your delicate unit falling asunder. However, the evidence is that you both have managed responsibilities and mood swings with courage and intelligence and perhaps your husband’s family need to acknowledge this. You will need help when the baby arrives and having extended family involvement would seem not only desirable but necessary in your situation. Therefore some negotiation and conversation needs to be had with your mother- and sister-in-law.

There is a strong argument that having some part-time work will actually offer your husband some respite from the awesome responsibility and relentless vulnerability of rearing a baby. If you and your husband could present a united case to his family on his wish to contribute to his own household and that the manner in which he might be most successful in this is financial, then you might have an opening with them. However, this means that you will have to answer the wider family’s very real fears and anxieties: will you both have mental health support in the event of setbacks; what professional support can you call upon in case of difficulties and what ongoing activities are you both engaged in that support your mental and emotional wellbeing?

If you have coherent answers to all these issues, then you are in an excellent position to challenge your in-laws’ fears and anger. There is no guarantee that they will soften their position, even when presented with reason but the presence of a beautiful baby and grandchild has been known to change even the most stringent of positions.

If you are still at the early stages of pregnancy, you have lots of time to implement some supports: can you both attend an under-10 parenting course in order to prepare and gain confidence in our actions; can you recruit friends to offer weekly support so that you as a couple can get away from pressures when the baby arrives; and can you seek some professional support for your husband in his career choices? Now is a time that he might benefit from psychological career advice and assessment and money spent on this could guarantee direction and confidence in future choices. Believe in your marriage and have faith in your ability to meet whatever life presents to you.