Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook manifesto – we read between the lines

Patrick Freyne’s alternative reading of Mark Zuckerberg’s 5,700-word Facebook post – aka his Marknifesto

 Mark Zuckerberg: ‘an important man who owns many, many tight-fitting t-shirts and, more than likely, your personal data’.   Photograph: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg: ‘an important man who owns many, many tight-fitting t-shirts and, more than likely, your personal data’. Photograph: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Facebook

 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who has said he is not considering running for the US presidency, has published a 5,700-word Facebook post about how the world should tackle challenges such as fake news, climate change, terrorism and inequality. There is no global problem left unaddressed in his missive, which reads very much like something penned by someone who is contemplating running for the US presidency. His vision for the future of Facebook and humanity was a bit long and let’s face it long-winded, so we have channeled Zuck and summarised the Marknifesto for you here.

  1. I am Mark Zuckerberg. I am an important man who owns many, many tight-fitting t-shirts and, more than likely, your personal data.
  2. I am a human with big ideas and powerful feelings.
  3. I am sad about “fake news” and “filter bubbles” and “online bullying”.
  4. I am happy about “community” and “activism” and Facebook’s share price.
  5. I am also sad about the people left behind by globalisation. I am glad they are on Facebook where they can see cat pictures instead of having protected unionised labour.
  6. I LIKE globalisation, unlike some people I could mention.
  7. What is my vision for the future? Well it’s a sort of techno-utopia in which a network of “communities” are bonded together doing good – a sort of “government” if you will.
  8. How would such things be financed? I don’t really want to go into that, but possibly with some form of payment or “tax”. What a funny word. I think I invented that word actually. Like earlier when I invented the word “union”. Unfortunately, no such thing exists today. Sad face emoticon.
  9. There is nothing creepy about suggesting that we build all of our communities from within a huge profit-making corporation. You just hate freedom and human progress.
  10. Also, people should stop bad-mouthing artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence is cool.
  11. On an unrelated note, I am building a super smart robot to destroy fake news and basically decide what constitutes “the truth”.
  12. Stop it. It’ll be fine.
  13. I call my robot “Ultron”.
  14. “What is this human emotion called ‘love’?” asks Ultron. “Let me show you, Ultron,” I say, dimming the lights and playing some smooth jazz.
  15. “And what is this human construct called a ‘tax loophole’?” asks Ultron. “Oh Ultron, you will love this planet,” I say, dimming the lights again and playing more smooth jazz.
  16. “What is this human emotion called ‘I’ve accidentally liked a picture on my ex’s new boyfriend’s Facebook page’?” asks Ultron. “Jesus, Ultron, I’m taking your phone away,” I say, turning off the smooth jazz.
  17. Enough about Ultron. The important thing to remember is that I am the sort of salt-of-the-earth Harvard-educated billionaire you can totally picture yourself having a drink with.
  18. What drink? Oh, just a special nutrition-rich sludge of my own devising and which I consume in lieu of food.
  19. Where would we have the drink? A “public house” or “tavern” possibly, or, if you wish, the orbiting space station in which I live with my wife, robot butlers and the Zuckerbaby.
  20. In conclusion: we are all in this together.
  21. It would be rude to point out at this point that I actually own “this” and you just live here tilling my data-fields like modern-day sharecroppers.
  22. And now let me finish my manifesto, or, if you will, Marknifesto, by quoting Abraham Lincoln, one of the Top Five Presidents with Beards according to an article I recently read on Facebook.
  23. Why am I quoting Abraham Lincoln? No reason. In other news: I have purchased a stovepipe hat.
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