It’s Christmas: Here’s the alternative Queen’s speech

Donald Trump

Christmas is a time to believe, and I truly believe that I will win the Republican presidential nomination next March, and by Christmas 2016, I will be addressing you all from my new home at the White House (of course, I'll have redecorated it to my exacting standards). Now there are some Scrooges out there who don't believe I can become president, but look at my main rival Hillary – still haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past. But back to this Christmas. Santa and his elves have been spending most of the year making toys (not very cost-effective I would have outsourced it to Mexico, and replaced the elves with robots), and he spent all last night delivering toys to all the good little boys and girls on his sleigh (very inefficient – my fleet of sleighs could have had the job done before midnight). On this day just over 2,000 years ago, the baby Jesus was born in a stable in Bethlehem. Of course, Joseph and Mary should have booked into one of my Trump stables – they'd have had running water and fresh straw, along with cable TV. But it was pretty clear, even from such humble beginnings, that Jesus was the chosen one. And it should be obvious to voters that, having begun as a humble multi-millionaire, I am the chosen one for the 2016 presidency. Winning!

Michael Noonan

Turn up your telly there, cos I like to speak softly and carry a big stick (with a carrot at the end of it). As you know, Christmas came early in Ireland this year, and I hope you're all enjoying the extra bit of cash we've put back in your pocket – although.

smokers might be feeling a little hard done by. Since our giveaway budget last October, we’ve seen economic recovery that’s nothing short of miraculous. At a recent wedding in Canaan, the bride and groom had no shortage of wine for all their guests, and last week a religious group on a retreat in the desert could afford enough loaves and fishes to last the whole weekend. All across the land I’m hearing stories of recovery, and of the blind, crippled and even dead being restored to health thanks to improved medical resources.

Of course, some naysayers will claim these are isolated incidents and not representative of the wider economic picture, but I say to them, behold! The promised recovery is finally here, so let us all rejoice and enjoy that extra piece of plum pudding we can now afford thanks to this Government. So to all the emigrants who have come home for Christmas, I urge you to tear up your return ticket to Dubai, Melbourne and San Francisco and stay here and share in the bounty. And when election time comes this spring, think back to the Christmas of Plenty 2015 and vote us back in, now, won't you?

Gerry Adams

Good afternoon, citizens of the Republic, Mainland and occupied territories. Christmas is, of course, a wonderful time of the year, when we can all put aside our differences and enjoy some peace, but there are also a lot of myths surrounding the holiday that are extremely unhelpful. It’s nice to pretend, but let’s not get carried away on a sleigh of fantasy and conjecture. At this time of the year, we all want to believe the stories, but let me make it absolutely clear: there is no IRA.

They just don’t exist. I’m sorry to burst your bubble this season, and I know I sound a bit of a Scrooge, but this legend of men in balaclavas and fatigues going around to people’s houses to deliver punishment beatings to bold boys and girls – well, that’s just plain humbug. Okay, there may still be an army council, possibly, but if I could use a clumsy analogy: imagine if Santa decided to disband his workshop and put all his toys beyond use. A small group of elves might remain on in an administrative capacity, but would definitely not be engaged in any toymaking activities.

But let me reassure you, that’s just an analogy. Of course we all know there really is a Santa Claus, and his workshop will never cease operations. But there’s definitely no IRA, so let’s not have any more of that nonsense.

Nollaig shona daoibh!