Ground control to Major Bob
Bob Geldof is spending this weekend in a space-flight simulator, preparing for his journey to true stardom next year on a private spacecraft. We imagine his space odyssey
Still, there’s an uneasy feeling among the crew. A strange, squat creature in black, with big, insectoid eyes, has been spotted slinking around the ship. “Jaysus, does Bono have to get in on everything I do?” asks Sir Bob with a sigh.
Star date: 02.12.14
The ship touches down on a planet run by vicious, apelike creatures who keep humans corralled in cages to be used as slaves. “It’s like the f***in’ G8 summit,” says Geldof. After seeing harrowing footage of humans being forced to work long hours shelling peanuts, he decides to act. “We need to topple this banana republic now,” he tells the humans. “Why should we trust you? You’re one of them!” exclaims their leader. Sh*t, I have to find a shop that sells razors, Bob thinks.
He gets on his iPhone and starts organising his biggest charity gig ever: Live Ape. “Yeah, we’ve got the Arctic Monkeys and Simian Mobile Disco, and Gorillaz are definitely on board.” But the three surviving members of The Monkees are still holding out. “Just tell them to put aside their differences – if Pink f***in’ Floyd can do it, so can they,” barks Geldof.
Star date: 15.12.14
One of the ship’s droids is carrying a secret message from the Rebel Alliance. First Officer Fingers presses a few buttons and a hologram of a young woman appears. It’s Princess Peaches. “Help me, Obi Wan Kebob! I’m presenting the MTV Video Music Awards tonight and I can’t decide what to wear.” Bob is livid. “F***’s sake, Peaches! We’re on a serious mission here. Look, I’m your father, not your fashion consultant. Why don’t you call Stella?”
Star date: 23.12.14
Mission complete. “Okay, Hal, take us home,” Geldof orders the ship’s state-of-the-art computer. “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Bob,” replies Hal in a soft, sinister voice. Geldof tries to keep his voice calm. “Why not, Hal?” “Because we’ve run out of fuel, Bob.”