My Parents’ Divorce: Brian. “Children are the unsung heroes of divorce”

It's 20 years since Ireland voted for divorce. An Irish Times series, Divorced Ireland, explores the effects of that vote on Irish life. The following is one of several personal stories sent to us as part of the series. To read the full series click here

I was in my early 20s in 1995, and passing the divorce referendum was so important. I chased flatmates who hadn’t voted down to the polling station and sat up half the night, listening to the radio and willing a Yes vote.

One year later my own parents separated. It wasn’t a surprise but the chaos and stress it created was more than I could have imagined. They divorced five  years after what seemed like never-ending rounds of horse-trading, trying to make a salary that had barely kept one family stretch to support two households. Our much loved family home was sold as part of the deal.

I was able to avoid a lot of the stresses by moving overseas but my school-aged siblings weren't so lucky. They were moved from pillar to post for a few years while my parents found equilibrium.

Children, of all ages, are the unsung heroes of divorce. Separated and divorced parents really owe them a debt of gratitude. Kids are so loyal and ultimately just want their parents to be happy, and will quietly put up with very difficult situations to make that happen. While separating parents want to do the best for their children, anger, bitterness or just broken-heartedness makes good decision making impossible. Rather than focusing  on dividing the spoils, the separation process should focus on the children first and foremost.

Even when the dust settles, and children grow up, the impact of divorce continues. For many, family events will always have underlying tensions and balancing the needs of any new partners or step families is a huge challenge. As I grow older it's the loss of the “home place” that brings the most sadness. I know my own children would have loved it as much as I did, but they will never have the chance to visit.

I still strongly believe that divorce is a basic right. No one should have to stay in an unhappy partnership. But when I look at where everyone has ended up, I’m not sure that what my parents gained from their divorce really outweighs what they lost. But I do know that what the children of that divorce lost is immeasurable.