As a victim of revenge porn I feel angry and humiliated

Problem

I am a professional woman in my 30s and recently met a guy that I thought was not only good looking but he had a great job and we really seemed to hit it off.  We started dating about four months ago and I ended it recently as I felt a bit bored and I became interested in someone else.

The problem is that at the time when I was really in to him, I let him take pictures of me naked and of course he has posted them online and now I am so very embarrassed.

I don’t know who has seen these pictures but I suspect that my professional colleagues have accessed them. Every time I go into a meeting, I can see people whispering together and smirking and I’m finding it difficult to keep things together.

I feel that I have put my career at risk and I will now always be that girl that people have naked images of. I feel like leaving the country but I am also very angry at the idea that I have to suffer for his appalling behaviour.

I know that if I tackle him, he will deny everything and maybe even do worse things such as send the pictures to my family and home town (I come from rural Ireland). I know that he took these pictures but he is going to get away with this while I will spend my life living it down.

Advice

This is one of the awful consequences of the internet age and of course while there are new laws being enacted to tackle revenge porn, the damage is done before the perpetrator can be challenged.

If it was a man in these photos, it would not have the same effect; indeed it might increase his status (though of course not always and not if he is married) but when it is a woman, her whole career and capacity comes into question.  Your reputation in the professional world is invaluable and this exposure leaves you with little chance of rebuttal or justice.

At the beginning of many relationships, couples regularly send pictures on smartphones of themselves in erotic poses.  This is a playful, teasing and suggestive action, and it assumes confidentiality and trust in the relationship.

However, there is now quite a trend for jilted lovers to post naked or suggestive pictures of their ex on websites dedicated to so-called “revenge porn” and to accompany the images with nasty comments. This elicits much other comment and can be highly derogatory and libellous.

As this occurs in open view, the victim’s work colleagues, children, family and friends are often able to access the material, and it can cause enormous distress and embarrassment. The victim, and not the perpetrator, often feels the blame and shame in these cases.

It is true to say that the victim of revenge porn has nothing to be ashamed of; but saying this does not take the sting out of other people having access to your intimate life.

The message has to be not to send revealing pictures of yourself until you are sure of the relationship and you know you can trust your partner.

As Padraig O’Morain states (in this newspaper on November 25th, 2014): “. . . even when the image is made with the consent of whoever is depicted, how is it right or fair that these moments of lust-driven gullibility should be punished by sustained public humiliation? And how fair is it that the smirking rat behind it all should be able to inflict this humiliation on his ex without consequences for himself? Not right or fair at all.  Bring on the law”.

It is not right that women or men should have to consider protecting themselves at the early stages in a relationship by refusing to be photographed or videoed but until the law punishes these people severely, it will continue to be the victim who carries the cost of being intimate and having fun in a relationship.

While the law in this area is currently under construction, you are unlikely to benefit from it. Your ex has behaved in a despicable manner and you are carrying the suffering for it.

The danger is that you might leave the country but the shame and anger can travel with you. Can you try to limit the effect this incident has on your behaviour, in other words refuse to let your ex dictate the direction your life is taking?  Date other men and enjoy yourself; carry yourself with dignity at work and speak with confidence.

The danger is that your mind will assume that other people are commenting on you and you will act and speak as if this were true.  Keep your mind focused on where you are in any given moment and if you are subject to ridicule, challenge it by using dignity at work policies.  Surround yourself with good people and gradually you will emerge the stronger person from this incident.