The big girls’ club: how to explain periods

The American poet Dominique Christina threw a period party when her daughter started menstruating because she didn't want her to feel bad about the whole experience. And while that approach may be a bit over the top for most Irish mammies, there's definitely a need to encourage young girls to feel okay about the start of their periods.

If explaining puberty brings fear and apprehension to many parents, then explaining periods in a positive way can be even more challenging.

"I do remember when I was talking to Karen* about periods, I was thinking how much I hated mine," recalls mother-of-three Siobhán. "I always felt terrible the week before and used to get horrible cramps, and I was worried she would have the same situation. I wanted her to be positive about the whole issue, so it was a challenge being cheerful and upbeat about it all."

Although most girls start their period between the ages of 11 and 14 years old, it’s not unusual to start as early as nine and up to 17.

As Theresa had started her own periods at 10, she was worried about being prepared for her own daughter. “I laugh now, but honestly I thought I was dying when I got my period. I was 10 and started bleeding at school. It was a country school, so the teacher was very kind and just told me to run down the road home. Well, I got home, my mother was out and my dad had to deal with it all. He was very old fashioned but to be fair, he was great. He had to go up to the shop to buy me sanitary pads because he couldn’t find where my mam kept hers.”

Grown up

When Theresa was telling her own daughter, she wanted to be positive, but prepared. “I had a lot of my friends horrified that I was discussing periods at nine, but I didn’t want her to have my experience. We had an abbreviated, age-appropriate talk and I explained what could happen. She got her period a few months later and it was a very positive time for her and I explained that she was in the big girls’ club now. She was the only one in her class who started so early and she felt grown up about it all.”

GP Ciara Kelly, who is mother to a teenage daughter, agrees with the matter-of-fact approach. “Obviously, you want to be positive and it can be challenging framing bleeding, cramps and moods in a positive light, but it’s important that young girls know this stuff. Maintaining the normality of the whole situation and ensuring that they understand that it’s a natural part of growing up and turning into a young woman is helpful in them accepting the situation.”

Fear is a factor for most young girls when they hear the ins and outs of periods. Laoise’s daughter was terrified of periods, bodily changes, and what would happen if she got her period at school.

“Well, she didn’t take the talk well at all. She was very upset about growing up and changing, and said she just wanted to stay the same,” says Laoise.

“We had to encourage and reassure her that it happened to everyone and she would feel very strange if she was different from everyone else. She was also very anxious about what would happen if she got her period at school and would everyone know and if there would be blood everywhere. It was a challenging few weeks, but she came around because we just kept everything low key and just answered her questions calmly.”

Kelly says schools are generally very clued in on the issue of periods and prepared to help out: “You can reassure her by pointing out that lots of girls are going through this and the female teachers know all about it and will be kind and helpful.”

That said, Kelly advises on keeping a sanitary towel in the schoolbag as a precaution if you think periods are imminent.

“At least that way they can feel a bit more confident that, if they do get their period at school, they can sort it out by themselves. Some girls are very private.”

Catherine’s daughter felt happier by going through every possible scenario. “God, I was sick of periods by the end of it. But she did not feel happy about the process until we talked her through what would happen and when,” she says.

“The best present was a little Ready Girls pack from her godmother. It’s basically a period survival kit, with some pads, wipes and even a pair of knickers. It came in a little zip-up bag that looked like a glasses case and she was so happy with it, and it was discreet so no one else would have guessed what it was.”

So what about the boys? You need a matter-of-fact-approach, for sure. The main message remains the same for both sexes – it’s a natural process, it’s not weird and it’s not disgusting. Boys tend to be fascinated about bleeding and not dying from it, says Liz. A mother of five boys, she told the eldest when he was 10 “after he heard a horror story at school that was gruesome and had no basis in reality”.

Being able to set the tone and keep the facts to the forefront was key, she says. They all talk to each other and sometimes the stories can get out of control. I stuck to the biological explanation and was firm about not discussing the issue in company as my boys love to shock. They got bored and moved on very quickly.”

Cara, the mother of boy/girl twins, says the yuck factor was a big issue with her son and she was annoyed because she didn’t want his sister to feel bad.

“I had kept discussions matter-of-fact, but he was all about the ‘grossness’ of the process. I had to explain how hurt his sister would feel if he made her feel bad. So I concentrated on the biology of it as it appealed more to him. I just wanted to make sure he was never going to make a girl in school feel bad about periods.”

The worrying was unnecessary though, says Cara, as when her daughter had her period, he came home from school and made her a cup of tea. “That made me proud, that he understood and was being kind and thoughtful. Success.”

Recommended reading:

The Period Book: Everything you don't want to ask (but need to know) by Karen Gravelle . Girls Only! All About Periods and Growing-Up Stuff by Victoria Parker . What's Happening to Me? (Girls' Edition) covers periods and everything else too.

Period kits are available from Irish company Ready Girls at readygirls.com

Some names were changed to protect the privacy of the teenagers.