That’s Men: Narcissism could be behind violence towards parents

Violence inflicted on their mothers by adult sons has been reported by organisations such as Women’s Aid for the past 20 years. But lately, violence towards fathers has also featured in the family court.

According to Fiona Gartland's report in this newspaper on October 13th, two fathers sought protection from their sons on one day alone.

One father limped into court with his arm in a sling and cuts on his face. He said that his son, who is in his 30s, had dislocated his shoulder. The attack, which involved repeatedly punching him, was not the only one.

“He is always threatening me; he stuck a steak knife into me a few years ago . . . he hit one of my kidneys,” the father told the court.

He got an interim barring order against his son.

In the second case, a father told the court, the son, in his 30s, had been abusive to him and his wife and had told him he would “have no existence” in the area in which they lived. He took this to be a threat that the son would get his friends after him. The son, he said, had caused €10,000 worth of damage when he broke into the family home.

Giving evidence, the son claimed to have been delusional, saying that he had thought his psychiatrist was paying his father money to kill him. The judge granted the father a safety order.

General cases

These are specific cases on which it is impossible to comment in any detail but the question arises as to the cause of this phenomenon in general. What follows is not meant to apply to either case.

Clearly this kind of situation is damaging not only to the health but also to the peace of mind of everybody in the home. One possible cause is mental illness, as was claimed by one of the sons in Gartland’s report. Paranoia, for example, could lead a son to believe that one or both parents is conspiring against him.

Another possible source is addiction to drink or drugs, which brings with it constant conflict and, of course, a constant need for money on the part of the addict.

A further source, it seems to me, is a sense of entitlement on the part of the “child”, which overrides any feelings of obligation towards the parents. Therapists sometimes talk about a perceived increase in what is called narcissistic behaviour.

Narcissus was a mythological figure who spent his time admiring his own reflection in the water. The narcissistic person believes the world revolves around him or her. When the world doesn’t revolve around him or her then there is something wrong with the world. Narcissism is found in both men and women, mostly in men.

Some observers maintain that narcissism is an outcome of the self-esteem movement in which boosting the child’s self-esteem is seen as the overall task of families. This may be so, but I think it could also stem from a sense of inadequacy, or even shame; people who feel deep down that they are not good enough can go to great lengths to convince both the world and themselves that they are better than anyone else.

Sometimes violence towards a parent is a learned behaviour. The child sees one parent being violent towards another and learns to behave the same way. I have heard not only of sons but of daughters behaving exceptionally violently towards a mother or father, sometimes in co-operation with the other parent.

Just as many people put up with violence from a partner for years before they do anything about it, we can assume that parents’ complaints of abuse by an adult child reflect a truly distressing situation that has been going on for years by the time they surface in a courtroom. And there is little comfort in realising that this behaviour is often completely unknown to neighbours, friends and relatives as it is one of those things that is hidden behind closed doors.

Padraig O’Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email.