That’s Men: Easy-going friendships might suit men more than women

[ irishtimes.com/life-and-style ]

Walking along a mainly Muslim street in Nice at the weekend a few years ago, I was struck by the number of older men sitting at tables outside cafes drinking cups of tea and watching the world go by. Of course I couldn't see inside their minds or their culture but it struck me that the tea- drinking allowed for an easy-going companionship of the kind that perhaps suits men more than women. (Where were the Muslim women? I don't know).

On another occasion I saw a group of men playing boules in a small square on a sunny afternoon. Again, it struck me that the tradition of playing this game on the street with whoever else was there, and it was mostly older men, provided a sort of undemanding friendship of a kind that I think men want.

I suppose an Irish pub can provide this sort of companionship too, though many a man drinks alone in the pub and gets to talk to very few people.

In any case, in rural Ireland going to the pub for companionship is probably not an option given the drink-driving laws. And we haven’t developed alternatives to the pub.

Developing alternatives isn’t easy. The two examples I mentioned from France grew out of particular cultures: they are not the sort of thing you can just summon up.

I would think that rural isolation is worse than city isolation for older men. In the city there’s life on the streets. If you live alone with little or no bus service it may take a big effort, if you don’t drive, to get to rub shoulders with strangers.

Men’s sheds

We have the recent phenomenon of men’s sheds where men meet for activities, including carpentry, and these are good in themselves but they’re not for everyone.

For men, and I think this is increasingly true of professional women also, a lot of their companionship and even friendship is built around the workplace.

When they retire, much of the companionship and friendship can fall away. Unless the retired person works at keeping up contact, isolation can easily follow.

I said at the start that an easy- going companionship might suit men more than women.

Some pieces of research from the United States and the UK suggest women demand more from their female friends in the form of mutual disclosure and involvement, which is one way of describing intimacy, than men demand from male friends.

Indeed, some of the research from the UK suggests that having somebody to confide in is less important for the psychological wellbeing of men than is often assumed.

It’s important to allow, though, that everybody is not the same and that people’s needs can differ very considerably. Some men really need friendship and involvement. Others are happy with companionship.

Health benefits

I referred in my column last year to an article in the Psychologist by Laura Soulsby and Kate Bennett of the University of Liverpool. They pointed out that good social relationships improve the health of older people.

What struck me at the time was their suggestion that friendships might contribute more to health than family relationships in this regard. But retirement, divorce and death all reduce the availability of friendships as time goes on.

As I mentioned above, this matters more to some people the others.

I recall a piece by Julian Clary in the New Statesman in which he said the ideal level of companionship for him was to know that somebody was in the next room and could appear if summoned but would otherwise leave him alone.

I’m not quite at that end of the scale myself but I’m not too far away from it. At the other end are people who will wither without an audience and, for them, I think isolation is painful and terrible.

We need to work at keeping the level of companionship or friendship we want going. But, for some people, making that happen in their circumstances is as feasible as climbing Mount Everest.

Padraig O’Morain is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email.