Tell me about it: Picking up the pieces after spilling the beans about my gay husband
Q I suspect that my husband of 10 years is secretly gay. Well, truth be told, I know deep down that my husband is gay. I’ve known it for a long time, and I’m mostly okay with it.
Without going into graphic detail, his preferences in the bedroom run strongly, nay exclusively, towards practices usually associated with gay sex. But I’m nothing if not versatile, and have had no problem receiving and giving him what he needs in that department. I don’t feel degraded as some women might; in fact, I really do enjoy it most of the time. He’s caring and sensitive enough to know when I’m not in the mood for that and never pushes it or pressurises me. He was also versatile enough to revert to a more conventional approach for a while when we were trying to conceive each of our two beautiful children. Other than that, my battery-powered friend takes up the slack when necessary, with his agreement, so I’m not in the least frustrated.
He’s a great father, an excellent provider for our family, and a true friend and partner to me in every way. So if it ain’t broke . . .
On a recent girls’ night out with a few of my oldest friends, we all had way too much to drink, everyone was oversharing about their bedroom issues (husbands starting to shirk their conjugal duties and so on). Stupidly, I ended up confiding for the first time about my situation. The problem is that, since then, they simply won’t drop the subject. They warn me that he’s probably cruising and putting my health at risk of STIs. They berate me for enabling him to live an inauthentic life, actually forcing him to maintain the deception by not setting him free to be true to himself. They question the impact it’ll have on our two boys when it all inevitably comes out. They paint a nuclear scenario that involves him eventually abandoning us for another man. They make their pity and distaste so painfully obvious.
The uncharitable part of me suspects they’re projecting their anxieties about their own husbands’ waning prowess and/or lack of interest. Unconventional our situation may be but, as I said, my needs are not unattended to. He has no problem, just not by thinking about me, or any other woman for that matter. Or so I suspect, anyway.
Are they doing me a service by trying to shake me out of my complacency? Should I just tell them to butt out and mind their own business if they want to keep me as a friend? Am I delusional to be fine with all this?