My wife kissed a lot of men before she met me and I can’t stop thinking about it

Dear Roe,

I am a man in my 30s, married with kids. I love my wife; she is a beautiful and caring woman. She is an extrovert while I am very much an introvert. When we met about 10 years ago, I had not had a serious relationship before meeting her. I knew she had a relationship that lasted six months. We both had a few previous sexual partners, but neither of us were very experienced in bed. However, I recently discovered that my wife kissed an awful lot of guys in her late teens and early 20s. She was going out and getting very drunk and kissing guys pretty much every night she was out and regularly more than one guy. So she was probably with 100 guys over five or six years. I kissed maybe 10 girls in the same period. These guys clearly meant nothing to her but I am having a hard time dealing with this. She does not know that I know. Should I confront her? Am I being ridiculous as she wasn’t sleeping with them? I cannot sleep or think about anything else. I need help.

I have previously answered a question on the topic of "how many sexual partners is too many" here. Spoiler alert: There is no such number, because sexual experience is influenced by so many huge variables, from circumstance, personal choice, opportunity, attitudes, desire, orientation etc, that comparison is a useless (and usually sexist) exercise.

What’s immediately concerning is that your wife apparently didn’t tell you about her experiences of kissing men on nights out in her teens and 20s, as you say she doesn’t know that you know. So how, exactly, did you find this out and why are you convinced it’s accurate information? Unless your wife is in the habit of keeping some very odd spreadsheets, I’m guessing someone told you this about your wife - and I’m not going to place a huge amount of good faith in someone who is both gossiping about your wife in such a bizarre way, and who is doing mental arithmetic about the amount of kissing another person did a decade ago. Even if their memory is sound, their desire to monitor your wife’s teen behaviour and then to tell you without her permission, is not.

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But now that you do have this (potentially inaccurate) information about your wife, how do you cope? You remind yourself that you are married to this woman. In the giant lottery of finding someone wonderful to love, someone who loves you back, someone who wants to spend their life with you and have children with you, you hit the jackpot. You should absolutely not be viewing her past experiences with men as competition with your present with her, but if you are: you won.

And like everyone else, your wife’s past experiences influenced her, in conscious and unconscious ways. Maybe kissing a lot of boys let her slowly and safely figure out what she wanted from a long-term partner, which meant that when you came along, she recognised that you were the man for her. Maybe having a lot of silly, rowdy nights out meant that when it came time to settle down, she was absolutely emotionally ready and excited to start the next chapter in her life, with no regrets - and with you. Maybe all the kissing did indeed mean very little to her - and so when you, a man who means a great deal to her came along, the connection she felt with you was undeniable.

Maybe all those nights out kissing boys, like many other countless, multitudinous experiences in your wife’s life that helped her grow and evolve and prioritise, are the reason you are together right now. Maybe you should send them all a thank-you note.

You already knew that you and your wife are different - in temperament, in experience - and I’m sure some of those differences are indeed what makes you great together, as you both balance and challenge each other. But you’re now choosing to weaponise one of those differences out of insecurity. Imagine if your wife started judging and shaming you for having a different teen experience to hers. Imagine the tables were turned and she judged you for not having kissed a lot of people. It would feel deeply unfair, right? You would feel hurt and like you were being blamed for harmless actions over a decade ago for no reason, and like she was delegitimising your marriage because of who you kissed or didn’t kiss years before you even met her. That’s what you’re doing to her.

You need to start flexing your empathy and respect. Acknowledging and respecting that most people have an entire universe of different experiences and emotions to you and that they are equally as valid as yours, is the basis of all connection.

Start examining what is preventing you from doing that now. Is there something else about your relationship now making you insecure? Are you in the habit of judging women for drunken nights out or casual kissing? Do you regret not having more experiences when you were younger? (You shouldn’t; we all do what we can with the tools we have at the time, and like your wife, all your experiences eventually led you to your marriage.)

No conversation with your wife about this is going to be productive if you’re not ready to explore and tackle your own feelings around this, because she can’t change her past and she can’t control your emotions. You have to do the work. A simple and positive place to start is to reframe your thought processes. You’re obsessing over your wife’s meaningless kissing with other men. Why not think about everything that is meaningful and memorable and loving about your kisses with your wife and tell her that. Then kiss her. And thank your lucky stars that you’re the man she wants to do that with, every day.