His child needs you to move slowly

Q&A: QMy boyfriend of eight months has a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. He separated from his ex 18 months ago and sees his daughter a few times a week. Our relationship is going well and the question has come up about meeting his daughter.

There is also the problem with how her mother might react. His relationship with her can be difficult and she has never really accepted them splitting up. Sometimes she threatens to reduce his contact. I don’t know how she will react when she discovers he is going out with someone new.

A

Moving on and starting a new relationship post separation can be a challenge for everyone involved.

Frequently for young children, their parent’s new relationship can bring up the hurt of the original separation and can end a fantasy that their parents might get back together again.

Further, when one parent starts a new relationship, children can experience a divided sense of loyalty, especially if the other parent has not moved on and is unhappy with this new development. For example, if a boy forms a friendship with their father’s new girlfriend, he can feel he is somehow being disloyal to his mother. He can also feel worried and insecure that the arrival of a new partner in his father’s life might reduce his own importance.

The key to helping children in this position is going slowly and being very sensitive to their feelings and where they are at. Generally, the advice is not to introduce a child to a new partner for some time until you are sure that the relationship is a long-term feature of your life. It also helps to think carefully about how you introduce a child to a new partner and to make sure that they are ready. It is good that you and your boyfriend are taking time to think all this through.

I’m not sure if going away together on holiday is the best way to start this introduction, as this might be too much too soon. Generally, the best way is to start gradually maybe for an initial short time and then to build up slowly. Perhaps, during the six days, her father could take her away for a holiday and make a plan to meet you with her a few times over the period.

Before meeting you, it is also important that her father sits down and talks through the situation with her, explaining that you are a new person in his life whom he hopes she will get to like. He should clearly indicate that your arrival does not change her relationship with him nor her relationship with her mother.

He should have this conversation alone with her, so she is free to share her feelings with him. He should be prepared to talk to her a few times about it. Often when you give children important news, they need time to process it before they are aware how they feel or can think up their questions. There are some useful child-centred story books that positively explain forming new families that he could read with her such as It’s Not Your Fault Koko Bear by Vicke Lansky, that you could look for in your local library or online.