A kelly green Zara dress to dye for. (And it's got pockets)

Oftentimes I jolt into consciousness in the middle of the night and lie awake wondering about weighty matters and one of the things I return to again and again is this: how do all the clothing designers “decide” which colour is going to be the fashionable one in six months’ time?

Because it can’t be any accident that an identical shade crops up across all the couture collections and in jig-time makes its way to the high street. In my younger, more gullible days, I thought it was an artistic thing; that designers had an almost psychic sense that made them all intuitively pluck the exact same colour from the ether at the exact same time. (But I’m older now and less of a thick.)

If you were prone to conspiracy theories – and who isn’t from time to time? – you’d wonder if all the foncy designers are on some giant WhatsApp group and share messages like: “Lads! Just seen eight million gallons of flamingo pink dye on Alibaba. Clearance stock. DIRT cheap. Who’s in? Calling Ms Rocha, I know you stick to black, white and red but this could work for you. Lookit, no offence to Marni or any of the Belgians but it won’t be your thing. Comme Des Garcons and Yohji, obvs you’ll sit this one out but Miyake, it wouldn’t hurt to take a gander. I say we divvy up a million gallons between us, then flog the rest to TopShop and the others. I’ve put it in my basket, let me know asap. PS Anyone heard from Karl? Excuse me, I meant ‘Lord’ Lagerfeld lol”.

Fully saturated

For SS18 (fashion-spake, meaning clothes for this year's spring and summer) the dirt-cheap dye from Alibaba must have been Kelly green because it is everywhere. I LOVE it. An intense, fully-saturated, uncompromising green, it's not for the faint-hearted and yet, there it is: stirrup leggings from Gucci; fabulous fitted dresses courtesy of Dolce&Gabbana; loose, silky, pyjama-style trousers from Stella McCartney that you couldn't pay me to wear.

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For the likes of us, the colour is in all the shops – even low-key Cos has a couple of tunics. But my very favourite is this dress from Zara. The sleeves! The shape! It's even got pockets! Wear it with confidence and wear it often. Because already, out there, someone has found eight million gallons of "drab olive" dye in their shed and is about to post it on Alibaba…