‘As an emigrant, I’ve experienced many types of loneliness’

I left Ireland in the mid-80s, when I was 22 years old. My reasons for leaving were similar to many of my generation, the poor economic situation, and lack of genuine career prospects. Emigration was a simple fact of life for young people. There were also for many unofficial reasons for taking the boat or plane; attempting to escape from a dysfunctional family life, abuse and sexual identity issues to name but three.

Those who ticked one or more of these particular boxes were likely to already be experiencing loneliness and isolation. The knowledge that one did not fit in, or was outside the norm in Irish society, was a very difficult burden for young shoulders to carry. Leaving the country seemed the only way forward, as the unknown was infinitely more preferable to the pain of the present.

Having to pretend to be someone you are not puts incredible strain on an individual, and leads eventually to emotional instability, or at least dislocation. On the positive side, you are probably already better prepared to deal with the loneliness of separation experienced by many others leaving their country.

There is a certain freedom in knowing that you are anonymous, just a face in the crowd, and that for the vast majority of people you are taken at face value. In a job interview, for example, no one would ask who your father is, or what he does for a living. They don’t care; they just want someone who can do the job. This is both liberating and empowering, to be judged on your own merit; what a great gift that is.

My own journey has taken me to seven countries on three continents, and one war zone in the former Yugoslavia in the early 1990s. I have experienced many types of loneliness in my life, the loneliness of being in an unfamiliar country, missing the banter or simple exchanges between strangers that punctuate our days in Ireland, or the loneliness and genuine heartache of a break-up in a relationship which can be even more intense abroad, as you are less likely to have a network of friends to provide emotional support. And, of course, there is the loneliness of being in a relationship that just is not working; this can be experienced anywhere, by any of us.

Living and working abroad, whether by choice or necessity, teaches you to be resilient, tenacious and empathic. You learn about your own personal strengths and weaknesses. You learn from all the situations that you find yourself in. You develop self-confidence and a belief in your own personal worth, a genuine self-esteem, which has nothing to do with where you come from and all to do with your own capacity to survive and thrive.

Through travelling alone, I personally experienced the kindness and support of strangers, looking back this is probably because I was young, open and genuinely interested in where I happened to be at any particular time. I did not look back and tried to stay in the present. The term “mindfulness” had not appeared in our consciousness, but that is probably what I was practicing.

Loneliness is a fact of life, but so too is happiness and joy if we are lucky. By experiencing loneliness in our early years I believe we learn the value of being able to share and communicate on many different levels, not only with others but also with ourselves. Hopefully this lesson will stand to me wherever my future takes me.