Eagarthóir Gaeilge: Pól Ó Muirí

Dia duit. Foras na Gaeilge. Conas is féidir liom cabhrú leat?

What about you? I'm Billy Breezeblock, loyalist community activist. I want to learn Irish.

Nach iontach sin? Tá áthas orm sin a chluinstin. An-mhaith. Sin an fáth a bhfuil muid anseo - an teanga Ghaeilge a chraobhscaoileadh chuig gach duine thuaidh, theas, thiar is thoir.

Aye. Listen. I need to learn Irish fast, dead fast.

An-mhaith. Tig linn liosta leathan de chúrsaí a thabhairt duit. Cá bhfuil tú i do chónaí?

Belfast. Can't you tell from the accent?

Tá brón orm ach tá an tUniversal Translator ar siúl agam. Múchann sé an Béarla agus tiontaíonn sé gach rud go Gaolainn.

Munster Irish! Here, listen, I don't want to learn no Munster Irish. It's the Northern stuff I want.

Gaeilge?

That's right. Ulster Irish. I mean it's bad enough that I have to use this dead language in the first place. But let's not rub salt in the wounds by making it Munster Irish. It'd be unpatriotric to speak that particular lingo.

Go deimhin. Dúirt tú go raibh tú sna Sé Chontae Occupáilte.

That's right - Northern Ireland in the United Kingdom.

An-mhaith. Tá mé ag amharc ar an scáileán ríomhaire. Tá réimse mhaith ranganna i mBéal Feirste againn. Ar mhaith leat go gcuirfinn ríomhphost chugat leis na seoltaí nó thiocfaidh linn Feidhmeannach Forbartha a chur chugat leis an liosta?

Never worry, love. This is urgent. Between the placards and pipebombs I don't have time for no learning. Can you not just do an instant translation for us?

Bhuel, go hiondúil, ní dhéanann. Tá rannóg ar leith againn chuige sin. Ach ó tharla gur foghlaimeoir tú, cuideoidh mé leat. How do you say: No Irish here.

I nGaeilge?

That's right.

Tá sé sin an-aisteach.

Listen, love, there's no need to tell me just how odd it is. We are living in odd times.

Ach cén fáth: No Irish here?

Look, I'll not lie. I've to go on a picket tomorrow morning.

Picéad? Amárach?

I've to go on a picket and I need that translation for my placard.

Cén fáth?

Look, it's Good Friday Agreement stuff. I'm going on a picket to protest against some wee girls going to school. However, my community group will lose its grant unless we include a bit of Irish in all our crosscommunity work. .

Agus ba mhaith leat leagan Gaeilge de: No Irish here.

You've got it. And we'll also be translating that to Ulster Scots.

Nach maith sin?

I'll be ringing Tha Boord o' Hoots in a minute.

Nuair a deir tú: No Irish here, an teanga nó daoine atá i gceist agat?

Wha'?

Daoine nó teanga atá i gceist le Irish?

Both, I suppose. People and their language.

Hmm?

Is there a problem?

Bhuel, beidh sé cineál fada ar do phlacard.

Really?

Ní hionann daoine agus teanga sa teanga.

Really. Well, just the people then. We'll keep it short and sweet. No Irish people here.

Hmm.

What is it now?

Is doiligh sin a aistriú go Gaeilge.

What do you mean it's hard to translate? It's only a couple of words.

Sea. Ach ní hionann an dá theanga.

I know. It's very strange the way something in one language means a different thing in another. I say potato and you say práta, so to speak. Look, love, time is pressing. Irish Out. No Fenians here. Anything along those lines. As long as it's in Irish. I don't want grief for not fulfilling all the grant guidelines.

Ó, nach bhfuil a fhios agam. Bíonn na diabhail ón roinn s'againne lán chomh holc.

I sympathise but the translation love.

Sea. Cad faoi: Fíníní amuigh.

That sounds a bit literal to me.

Do bharúil?

A wee bit. I don't want to be holding up a placard and be ridiculed for a bad translation.

Tá an ceart agat. Cad faoi: Ar shiúl le gach Tadhg.

It's not very poetic, is it?

Do bharúil?

Isn't that what everyone says about Irish, that it's a nice, musical language. I need something poetic.

Cad faoi: Imigh libh, a phóir an Phápa.

Now that's good. Spell it for us.

I.M.I.G.H L.I.B.H ..

Great. That'll look really well on the placard in red, white and blue. You've been a great help.

Fáilte romhat, a bhráthair bhuí.

Who are you calling an Orange bastard?

Bráthair, a dúirt mé.

That must have lost something in the translation.

Slán go fóill agus Nollaig shona.

No surrender to you too.