RTÉ calling: Welcome to the alternate future of wireless broadcasting

RTÉ Radio recently announced a series of commissions for 2016, and has invited applications from individuals and companies. Entirely coincidentally, writer and DJ Seamas O'Reilly (shocko.info, @shockproofbeats) devised a few new podcast ideas on his Facebook page, with a little help from his friends. Here's the best of what they came up with. Come on RTÉ: if Hassle Davidoff isn't a good use of taxpayers' money, we don't know what is.

Dustin For Prince
Dustin Hoffman takes us on a weekly two-hour ramble through both the music of His Purple Badness and breakthroughs in criminal forensics.

Polymers With Olly Murs
Spade-faced-grin owner Olly Murs holds court on anything worth knowing about macromolecular structures consisting of repeating subunits, as well as whatever else is going on in his life. Things get loose! This week: Polyethylene, and Olly has an amusing story about getting a new boiler.

The Unbearable Lightness Of Behan
Friends and family mount a series of interventions with the late poet, raconteur, republican and fad-diet addict Brendan Behan, attempting to dissuade him from whichever Cosmo-approved eating regimen is making his weight plummet this week. Ep 42: "Seriously Brendan, coconut oil isn't enough." - Seamas O'Reilly

Hassle Davidoff
Reality series that follows superstar David Hasselhoff as he journeys across Europe in amusing and embarrassingly futile attempts to find employment with Swiss cigar megacorporation Davidoff.

Ramelton, John
Elton John makes an emotional and fruitless trip in search of his ancestral family ties to Ramelton, where he ultimately duets with Kenny Rogers, who just happened to be in Letterkenny for the exact same reason.

I'm Loving Angles Instead 
An exploratory look at the exciting world of geometry. Hosted by cheeky jowled pop chubster and keen mathematician Robbie Williams. - Chris McConaghy

Through The K-Hole
Loyd Grossman critiques himself in reruns of the classic British TV show while increasing amounts of psychoactive substances are secretly administered through jar after jar of his signature sauces. - Dave Darcy

Cut To The Corr
General news show, but after every story we cut to Jim Corr to find out what's really going on.

Nick Cave's Cave Nicks
Nick Cave talks us through the aesthetic qualities of various stalagmites and stalactites he has stolen over a lifetime of cave visits. - Dee Ní Mhuirí

The Crystal Mays 
Queen guitarist meets members of the public to analyse and value their heirloom jewellery stones on his weekly travels through middle England, culminating with a performance of his hit We Will Rock You for most valuable brought along. - Mick T-woc

Al Gore Rhythm
Former US vice-president and teller of inconvenient truths, Al Gore hosts a weekly show in which seasoned drummers and computer programmers combine their skills to find a solution to climate change. - Avril Casey

Putin On The Ritz 
Vladimir Putin brings us through a colourful look at family favourite posh snack, Ritz crackers. He'll share some of his favourite toppings, including naughty naughty Nutella and banana. - Lisa Richards

Wolf In Cheap Clothing 
Michael Van Wijk, Wolf from TV's Gladiators, talks us through his wardrobe of charity shop and eBay bargain fashion finds.

Coffee And Naans With Kofi Annan
Former UN secretary general Kofi Annan talks about his twin passions, coffee and tandoori bread. (Controversially, he prefers a paratha.) - Dara O'Reilly