The Sweeney

Fri, Sep 14, 2012, 01:00

Directed by Nick Love. Starring Ray Winstone, Ben Drew, Hayley Atwell, Alan Ford, Damian Lewis 15A cert, general release, 112 min

WHAT YOU lookin’ at? Yeah, that’s right. Two stars. What you going to do about it, you bleeding slag? Get out of it!

What’s it about? Do me a bleedin’ favour. Me old man use to watch this thing on the telly back in the dark ages. It used to come on between It’s a bleedin’ Knockout and that Dennis Potter thing with all the tits. Inspector Morse played the chief filth. But he were all right. He was always shagging birds and slappin’ wrong uns round the kisser. Minder was in it and all. It was a right laugh. “Put your trousers on, you’re nicked!” That’s what Morse was always sayin’ before they got him in that village with all the murders.

What the hell’s this pony trap? That Nick Love – Danny Dyer’s best mate – has only gone and made a film with the same bleedin’ name. But this ain’t the Sweeney.

Don’t get me wrong. I ain’t got nothing against Ray Winstone. He’s the guv’nor and no mistake. But he’s far too much of a geezer to play a rozzer. Even them blokes that was always bangin’ up paddies for bombs and such had more manners than The Daddy. The bloke on the telly looked like the kind of geezer you could share a packet of scratchings with. This sort would clock you as soon as look at you.

And that Plan B is playing Minder. You see that film he directed, Whatistname Manors? It weren’t half bad. Tell you what. He should stick to rapping and directing films. He’s mutterin’ away like someone who’s soft in the head. Get out of it. What happened to Plan A, eh?

Tell you somefing else. That Love character (where is Danny Dyer by the way?) thinks he’s making that class film with De Niro and Pacino. Heat, innit? Everything’s all blue and that. The music’s all humming and that. There’s this big gunfight in the middle.

Oi, you slag! Weren’t you supposed to be making The Sweeney? And what’s all this women’s lib Jackson Pollocks? Lady policemen ain’t supposed to beat the suspects. Oi, darlin’? Ain’t you got a kettle to put on?

Me old mum always did prefer The Professionals.

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