The Business Bullshit Baker’s Dozen: 13 overused pieces of office nonsense

At first glance, the topic of bullshit is very much filed under comedy. It’s hilarious, isn’t it? Or is it? When it replaces clear communication at work, it can be no laughing matter.

Those of us who talk straight are entitled to ask: “What the hell are these people talking about?”

Author Kevin Duncan certainly sees the funny side, but also tries to guide us through what these seemingly nonsensical expressions are attempting to convey.

Box, think outside the

1. Nine-dot matrix game usually called the Gottschaldt figurine, which challenges the solver to join all nine dots with four lines without removing the pen from the paper – it can only be solved by taking the lines outside the perceived square, hence the phrase. 2. Hackneyed piece of nonsense used as a euphemism for having a perfectly average thought; plaintive plea for originality that is almost never answered; all-round conspiracy designed to convince one and all that everyone is rather intelligent. (see Blue-sky thinking)

Pushing the envelope

1. Move a piece of stationery across the table; push the boundaries of what is possible, from the aeronautics jargon referring to graphs of aircraft tolerance. 2. Another cracker from the kit box of oleaginous executives who wished they had become a Top Gun pilot but never had the skill; notional envelope used to denote Mach number or speed ratio a pilot or plane can endure before passing out or self-destructing; ludicrously applied to the world of business, populated as it is by flabby, Terylene-suited men slumped in warehouses, rather than an elite squad of finely-tuned pilots. (see Crash and burn; Flying unstable; Maxed out; Needle, moving the; Needle, pushing the; Wheels coming off)

Going forward

1. The opposite of backwards. 2. Truly a king amongst kings; the undisputed champion of utter bullshit, with the possible exception of “proactive”; entirely pointless modifier somehow designed to suggest a forward-looking demeanour, when any fool knows that a backward one would be detrimental for everybody, except possibly historians who should indeed adopt a backward-looking approach; selfish waste of time perpetrated by anyone using these two utterly redundant words – those subjected to them could probably increase their life expectancy by removing themselves from the room immediately whenever they are spoken, thus saving years of meeting time. (see Future-focused; Forward-looking; Future-facing; Futureproof; Goal-oriented; Here-and-now-ness; Momentum; Proactive)

Proactive

1. Tending to initiate rather than react. 2. Omnipresent adjective in advertising and PR agencies, as in “We pride ourselves on taking a proactive approach”, as though a passive or reactive one would be more appealing; pretty much redundant word, and a close contender for worst bull of the lot, along with “going forward”. (see Going forward; Reactive)

Learning curve, steep, vertical

1. Amount of increased understanding, of variable speed and quantity. 2. Disastrous geometrical collision of straight and curved lines wreaking havoc in the business world, as in “We have a steep learning curve on that one, Stephanie.”; euphemism for “We f**ked it up completely but don’t tell anyone”. (see Experiential curve; Growth trajectory, personal, explosive)

Groundbreaking

1. Destroying terra firma; genuinely new or pioneering. 2. Macho imagery of rock breaking, chain gangs, construction, pick axe-wielding, drilling and digging to imbue lightweight project with semblance of authority; not remotely heavy duty; flimsy, but with a hard sounding adjective attached for ballast. (see Break the mould; Game-changing)

Blue sky, to

1. To think theoretically without any regard to future application of the result. 2. Shocking verb-cum-noun-cum-adjective much loved of Americans, roughly denoting to think broadly and vaguely; useless hot air session in which many attendees talk drivel for a sustained period, congratulate themselves on a “highly constructive session”, and then sod off to the golf course to wear dreadful trousers. (see Blue-sky thinking)

Passion, passionate

1. Keen; enthusiastic; ardently affectionate. 2. Ubiquitous piece of wibble vainly attempting to verify that the company and its staff will be dedicated, relentlessly supportive and there at any second of the day; rather seedy implication that there will be some sort of sexual relations between customer and supplier, as though that would be a benefit; almost invariably over-claim, as in “As you can tell, at Babcock, Bored and Bandycoot, we are passionate about the ball bearing market”. (see Always on; Authenticity; Constantly striving; Expectations, exceeding; Mission statement; Sun, the ______ never sets at; 24/7/365; Values)

Innovation, innovative, innovatively

1. Something new. 2. Nastily over-used word to describe any half-baked idea; one half of the classic tautological howler “new innovation” (literal meaning: “new new thing”); old idea hastily pulled out of a dusty bottom drawer; random thought in the shower; re-hash of previously-rejected proposal. (see Idea, big; Initiatives; Mission statement; Values)

Authenticity

1. Relating to anything that is authentic. 2. Totally false, such as “This product was lovingly forged in the crucible of time”; quality constantly demanded of staff in over-earnest companies. (see Passion, passionate; Provenance; Rebrand)

Values

1. Principles a company holds dear. 2. Rambling set of adjectives defining a perfect world that no one can hope to live up to; typically containing a description of the perfect partner, as in passionate, innovative, and world class. (see Change drivers; Innovation, innovative, innovatively; Mission statement; Passion, passionate; Vision, visioning; World class)

World class

1. As good as any comparable product or service in the world. 2. Almost certainly nothing of the sort; decidedly average; impossible to measure, since no satisfactory metric of “world class” has ever been developed. (see Challenger brand; Market-leading; Mission statement; Scalable; Thought leadership; World-beating, -changing)

Mission statement

1. Declaration of what a company does, or intends to do, or stands for. 2. Hackneyed bundle of weasel words and cliche; wishful thinking checklist of desired characteristics, most of which will never materialise; formulaic tick box of attributes usually including “world class”, “exceeding customer expectations”, “innovative”, “passionate” and other such drivel, none of it accurate. (see Expectations, exceeding, failing to achieve, living up to, managing, meeting; Innovation, innovative, innovatively; Passion, passionate; Values; Vision, visioning; Voodoo, corporate; World-beating, -changing; World class)

The Business Bullshit Book is out on November 10th, published by LID. Kevin Duncan is an author, trainer and facilitator who has been collecting nonsense for over 35 years. Find him at bulldictionary.com and expertadviceonline.com