No magic remedy to work-life conflict

When I was in my early days as

chief executive of Quest Diagnostics, working hard to turn around a then-troubled company, my daughter suffered a life-threatening illness. She was a freshman in college in a distant city. As any parent would, I rushed to her bedside.

As I stood there, contemplating her uncertain future, I was seized with regret, thinking about my frequent absences during her young life.

I talked with her frankly about those regrets.

Though I was relieved to hear her say that she felt I had always been there for her, I never again took for granted that the conflicts of work and personal life would somehow just work themselves out.

So what advice would I offer about coping with those conflicts? Such advice is plentiful and familiar: Make time for nonwork activities, exercise to reduce stress, learn to say “no”, manage your time more efficiently. All excellent ideas.

However, the truth is that there’s no magic formula, especially for chief executives or people in comparably demanding positions. What I would offer, instead, are some ways to think about the problem, some guiding principles to keep in mind over the long haul of a career:

Be realistic about work. In my experience, people make it to the top job by working extraordinarily hard. But you must recognise that you cannot do everything, otherwise the results are likely to be both personally destructive and ultimately bad for the company.

Don’t expect perfection in personal life. Expect to fall short some of the time. Then try to do better.

Think of it as continuous improvement. It helps, of course, if you have loved ones who are understanding and neither hold you to an impossible standard nor let you entirely off the hook.

Change the metaphor. For decades, resolving the conflicts of work and personal life has been spoken of as a question of “balance”. Yet work and life are inextricably intertwined.

Work

supports our loved ones; it constitutes a big part of our identities and it often shapes our social lives. The smartphones and other devices that bind us tightly to work also keep us in close touch with our nonwork lives. For example, I keep all of my personal and professional commitments on a single, integrated calendar, treating each one of them as inviolable. The challenge is to integrate work and personal life effectively, not achieve a separation that is less attainable.

Be present. When you are with family or friends be fully there – in spirit as well as in body. No zoning out thinking about work. On the other hand, don’t treat these personal encounters as you would a meeting, where you check in with your loved ones as you might with your executive team.

Don’t forget yourself. What often gets lost in the push and pull between work and personal relationships is your own wellbeing – body and soul. You skip your workout, delay your annual physical, rarely take up a book that’s not work-related and make no time for self-reflection. “Mens sana in corpore sano” – a healthy mind in a healthy body – remains advice that is both timeless and easy to ignore in favour of work or personal relationships.

Today, as dean of the Boston University School of Management, I engage in work that is both demanding and highly fulfilling. And I have a life that includes my daughter (who, thankfully, fully recovered) and son, three grandchildren, and my wife of 42 years. Who could ask for anything more? – (Copyright Harvard Business Review) Kenneth W Freeman is dean of the Boston University School of Management. He previously was a managing director and partner at Kohlberg Kravis Roberts, and prior to that was chief executive of Quest Diagnostics.