Pól Ó Muirí
The Irish-language body, Faulty na Gaeilge, has been so impressed by boxer Bernard Dunne’s Bród Club that they have announced they will be starting a Foghlaim Club for those wishing to learn Irish.
Making the announcement, the group’s Chief Entertainment Office, Séamas de Siamsa, said that Foghlaim Club would have a twist: “We in Faulty na Gaeilge want to take things to the next level or, as we say in Irish, leibhéal. Bernard Dunne was a great ambassador for the language but we have recruited Rocky Balboa to take recruits from Foghlaim Club through a tough series of irregular verbs, declensions and prepositions. Should the students not pass their exams, however, Rocky will beat the living cac out of them. It is quite simple – learn the difference between “is” and “tá” properly or Rocky will knock your copula in.”
Many Irish-language groups reacted with horror to the news, saying that it will give the Irish language a bad image. However, de Siamsa said that the cliché of having Irish “beaten in to you” was so widespread that actually beating people for not learning Irish was worth a try: “I think we can safely say that, at the very least, the participants will learn the word for ambulance in Irish very, very quickly.”
De Siamsa also confirmed that Faulty na Gaeilge had lodged a bid to buy Glasgow Rangers Football Club: “We happened to find a spare £2.50 down the back of the sofa in Merrion Square and we thought we might as well take a chance or, as we say in Irish, seans, in promoting the language on a cross-community basis in the North. There are a lot of people up there who might not necessarily go to an Irish class but who happen to be at Ibrox at the weekend and we think we can bring the language to them.”
Should the group take over at Ibrox, de Siamsa said that no one would get in unless they were able to hold “a basic conversation in Irish. We are not interested in any of this auld lip service that the GAA have about the language. We want to know that everyone in Ibrox is one hundred per cent behind the Gers and the Gaelic. Ní amháin Ger ach Gaelach, as we say in Irish”.