Screenwriter »

• What is Benicio del Toro up to?

  June 4, 2010 @ 5:44 pm | by Donald Clarke

  No, we’re not talking about the dodgy Wolfman movie. The issue is, rather, that deeply strange commercial for Magnum Gold choc-ices. You may have first noticed the campaign in its billboard form. Mr del Toro and his (more anon) co-star wielded the tasty confection above a legend that declaimed “The best chocolate we’ve ever stolen” (or words to that effect). It was a bit puzzling. You don’t tend to see Oscar-winning actors in choc-ice commercials. Okay, you might not be all that surprised to spot Brenda Fricker brandishing a Screwball or Jim Broadbent recommending a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder, but del Toro is still quite a hot, trendy actor. Isn’t he? Famously, American movie stars usually only do these sorts of campaigns in Japan or Korea.

  The subsequent television commercial did nothing to clarify matters.

  

  Jesus. This thing is just so hilariously pleased with itself. Why, it’s as if the guy who made it thinks he’s Bryan Singer or something. What’s that you say? The director is Bryan Singer. Well, it’s not like he’s made a genuinely great film in 15 years. So, I suppose we really shouldn’t be all that surprised.

  The really shocker here is that Benicio del Toro has allowed himself to be cast against an actress who is — let’s be honest — little more than a celebrity double. This really couldn’t be more demeaning. The real del Toro is, apparently, prepared to share equal billing with an Angelina Jolie lookalike. Imagine if the situations were reversed. “Hey Angie. We’ve got you this really good choc-ice commercial,” the agent raves. “Your co-star will either be somebody who looks a little bit like George Clooney or some bloke who — if you close one eye — might easily be mistaken for Jason Statham. Hello? Hello?”

  So the commercial’s a disgrace? Well, yes. But, you know what? Madagascar vanilla encased in a caramel-flavoured coating? Ever since I last saw the advertisement I’ve been longing to try one of these things. They sound really, really nice. Now, I’m not saying  they could ever be the equal of a Frosty, but…

  I’m off to the shop.

• Trailerspotting Considers The Wolfman

  November 10, 2009 @ 1:43 am | by Donald Clarke

  It’s ominous. It’s an evil omen. Wooooo!

  What’s an evil omen? Being shuffled around the schedule like a veruca patient at an emergency ward during a hideous bus crash. That’s what. If my memory serves me, The Wolfman was originally supposed to be released in 1618, but was cancelled due to the unexpected outbreak of the Thirty Years’ War. Since then its movements about the calendar have been so frequent and complex that ascertaining its current release date has become as difficult as accurately assessing longtitude on a Viking drekar.

  Anyway, after toying with a November outing, it now seems reasonably certain that the the hairiest of the classic monsters will return just before Valentine’s Day. KISS AND HELL! FANCY A WOLFWHISTLE THIS VALENTINE? Okay, so those are all appalling. Who made you secretary of state at the Department of Taglines, anyway? Shut up and watch the trailer…

  

  Could you be any more negative. It could be okay. Yeah, so it does look eerily (eerie in a bad way) like the cataclysmically frightful Van Helsing. True, it’s hard to shake the notion that the film only exists because somebody looked at a photograph of Benicio del Toro and realised they wouldn’t need all that much makeup for this Wolfman. Okay, we appear to be back in the era where horror films — or at least their trailers — were scored with a singularly unfrightening class of Belgian moron metal. But Hugo Weaving’s shaved fetus-like werewolf seems pretty scary, doesn’t it? No? Oh, I don’t know why I bother.

  In any case, we all know who should play The Wolfman. This guy…

  

  If you look up stamina in the dictionary Shouty McDiatribe’s YouTube video will be there. Nice bellowing, sir. By Tuesday lunchtime you will be bigger than Jedward.