Day Twenty-Seven: Germany v. Spain

How do I stereotype thee? Let me count the ways. Hansen uses the word ‘efficient’ to describe Germany. “How dare they get entertaining!” jests noted funnyman Gary Lineker. Hansen refers to the Germans as “machine-like”. A montage concerning the Spanish team is accompanied by flamenco music. And yet, when a film of Klose’s goals is shown, it does not feature oompah-style brass band music. What gives, BBC? At least be consistent in your musical stereotyping.

7:12 “There has to be something wrong in the English system for Spain and Germany to have a better record than England,” opines Creosote Man. Yes. Another possibility is that you have the intelligence of a heavily eroded rock. 

7:25 Guy Mowbray: “A reported 83 per cent of Germans believe it’s their time again”. Not, however, Paul the octopus, who forecasts defeat, a chilling portent to all Germans familiar with Paul’s pre-eminence in the cephalopod prediction field.

7:25 Say what you like about the Germans, and they have lent their support to some dubious projects over the years –  National Socialism, the musical career of David Hasselhoff – but Deutschland Uber Alles is a rousing anthem.

7:34 Mowbray: “We’re going to have a delay, I’m afraid. We have an idiotic intruder on the pitch.”  “He’s been drinking on an empty head,” says Lawrenson, in the first recorded instance of him making a joke with moderately commendable humorous properties.

7:43 Slow-motion replay featuring what is commonly believed to be Carles Puyol’s hair. It is, in fact, a pair of damp poodles which have been clinging resolutely to the rough-hewn defender’s skull since 1998.

8:15  Depending on the level of your exposure to Trevor Steven’s co-commentary over the last few years, you may or may not find this hard to believe, but this is a selection of the least boring assertions he has made in the last 20 minutes.

“Overhit pass there from Ozil.” “Again, the Jabulani ball moving in the air. But, no good if it’s off target.” “The corners from Germany have been impressive.” “Late flag for Podolski…He shouldn’t be offside in those kinds of positions.” “The game needs a goal.” Least boring, mind.

8:17 “Fascinating game of almost like chess,” says Lineker.

“It’s been a fascinating tactical battle,” adds Creosote Man. What the lads are trying to say is that it is scoreless at half-time.

8:48 Lawrenson: “It’s a positive substitution. He’s trying to win the game, Loew.” Spanish manager Del Bosque, on the other hand, doesn’t really mind who wins.  He’s just had a lovely time in South Africa.

8:51 “And the cross will curl behind,” proclaims Mowbray, who is a little hazy on the whole concept of prediction, a half-second after the cross has curled behind the line.

8:55 Tonight’s award for most general statement which could mean virtually anything at all goes to Trevor Steven: “Germany are always capable of doing something.”

8:59 Puyol’s poodles score!

9:20 “There will be new World Cup winners this year. It’s Spain against the Netherlands,” announces Mowbray, his lightning brain whizzing into action.

The Spanish squad, apparently oblivious to the fact that two dogs live there, have descended upon Puyol’s head (and other parts of his person).

9:21 “Spain came into this tournament never having won a quarter-final. Now they’ve never lost a semi-final” Lineker’s logic is, paradoxically, both impeccable and deeply inane.

9:24 So, Paul the octopus was right again. Unlike the physicist who developed a trigonometry-based formula predicting German success in the tournament. 

Following, oh, seconds of rigorous statistical analysis, one Professor Metin Tolan concluded that Germany would win the 2010 World Cup. As a purely coincidental footnote, Prof. Tolan, apart from having altogether too much free time on his hands and no evident pastimes other than annoying the world with ludicrous statistics, is German.

Puyol and his two poodles