… is the Fallopian Tubas. That’s right, peeps, the Fallopian Tubas.

Introducing on vocals, Nina Simone. Drums, Brian Blade. Bass, Reid Anderson. Guitar, Ryan Adams. And trumpet, Miles Davis.

This is most rock and roll outfit ever to call stage home, and is the product of the Irish Times Fantasy Band challenge. A few weeks ago, I asked a few Irish Times critics to name their ultimate five-a-side musical line-up. The rules were simple. The band had to have one front person, drummer and bass player, and two others; No more than two dead people for the starting five; No more than one person from one band (players in crossover bands are allowed); Each band must have a name and a short explanation as to why this is the best band ever. This is not a list of the best musicians – this is the best band as a unit working effectively together.

My line up is above, and the other chancers’ two-bit part time bunch of wastrels are below. You can read our justification for picking the players we did here, and we’ll be printing a number of readers’ selections online in the coming days, but know this – you won’t improve on my perfect unit.

TALKING HEADERS
Manager Sinéad Gleeson
Vocals Prince
Drums Tony Allen
Bass Tina Weymouth
Guitar PJ Harvey
Keys/other Noah Lennox

BALLYMUN FACELIFT
Manager Tony Clayton-Lea
Vocals Nina Persson
Drums Larry Mullen Jr
Bass Nicky Wire
Guitar Tom Verlaine
Cello Jacqueline du Prè

VELLA’S CAULIFLOWERS
Manager Jim Carroll
Vocals Ella Fitzgerald
Drums Elvin Jones
Bass Tina Weymouth
Guitar Steve Cropper
Other stuff Flying Lotus

THE QUOTAS
Manager Anthea McTeirnan
Vocals Beth Ditto
Drums Meg White
Bass Tessa Pollitt
Lead guitar Joan Armatrading
Rhythm guitar/vocals Chrissie Hynde