• -
  • irishtimes.com - Posted: September 11, 2009 @ 11:04 am

    Is this thing on?

    Fiona McCann

    Twenty comedians tell us their favourite jokes in today’s paper. Mine is a whale joke that is impossible to transcribe (clue: it involves whalish noises and is very, VERY loud), so I’ll substitute with an old classic to get the ball rolling: “Woman walks into the bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre” Pause.  ”So he gives her one.” HAHAHA. OK, fair enough. But which ones from today’s selection made you laugh? And what are your (printable) favourites? Over to you lot. . . .

    • Peter says:

      Can’t believe those two Michael Jackson ones are anybody’s favourite jokes.
      Very difficult to think of anything that isn’t deeply offensive. Er…
      Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

      Because he’s married.

    • Quite like that one actually!

    • Stephen says:

      What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot.

    • Kynos says:

      Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out camping one time in the forest and they’re awoken this night by a noise. Lying there in their sleeping bags side by side staring upwards and Holmes goes “Watson old bean tell me. What do the stars above us tell you?”
      Watson panicks a bit, thinking to himself “By Jove the Boss is asking me a question it must be a snap test. I’d better go thru’ the card!”
      So he starts off with “Well Holmes old chap, on an astronomical perspective I see Draco and the Ursas major and minor above us so that tells me that it’s summertime and we’re facing North. On a meteorlogical level it tells me that the sky is clear and we might expect fine weather tomorrow. Um. On an ASTROlogical level I see Virgo in the ascendant as I look south, and my birthday’s in August so one hopes for good fortune. And I suppose, Holmes, dear chap, on a cosmological level the stars above puts one in mind of the glories of Creation, and just how tiny and insignificant we mortals really are; in terms of the Grand Design.”
      Holmes says nothing for a few beats. Then he goes “Watson?”
      “Yes Holmes?” goes the good doctor eagerly.
      “Do you know what the stars above us tell me?”
      “No Holmes but I’m all ears be assured dear chap!!”
      “They tell me two things Watson. One: That you are a blithering idiot. And Two: That somebody’s stolen our tent!”

Search Pursued by a Bear