“I’d like to say that it has been an honour to serve Fianna Fáil. Thanks to the people in Fianna Fáil. They clearly take precedence over the rest of the people. By the way, I have been the second longest-serving taoiseach. Not the second-most corrupt though. No way.
“It was honour to join such giants as De Valera and Lemass. Charlie who? Never heard of him.
“I will now assert my ordinary man credentials by thanking the plain people of Ireland who prayed for me and sent me Mass cards. I will know tighten my mouth some more to give the impression that I could cry at any minute.
“I want to thank my colleagues who are gathered around me today, blatantly reading my script and wondering how much longer I’m going to talk for.
“I want to say that I fully respect my coalition partners, Mary Harney and John Gormley. Gormley, you’ll have noticed, is standing on my shoulder today like some slobbering pet. Good boy, John. Now sit.
“I want to thank my make-up team who have given me this healthy orange glow, which is emphasised by the pasty faces of the cabinet crowding into shot around me as I speak.
“While I have always done my duty for the people only and not myself, the media has steered the political discussion towards the minutiae of my private life. I will not allow this to happen and so will throw myself selflessly on the sword so that we can get on with talking about the important issues of Irish politics, such as how much of a political genius I am.
“Now, I will talk about the minutiae of my private life. At the time all this money was swilling around my bank accounts I was undergoing great problems in my family life. Remember those? They worked as an excuse before, so damn it I’ll use that card one last time.
“When deciding on a date to go, I took several factors into account, including my speech to the joint houses of Congress, the visit of a Japanese delegation and the Lisbon treaty vote. So, I am getting out of here before that referendum campaign kicks in. If you think it’s boring, try negotiating the bloody thing.
“Therefore, I will tender my resignation to President McAleese on May 6th. You won’t have Bertie to kick around anymore.”