
Monica Sheridan was Ireland’s first TV cook and the author of Monica’s Kitchen, published in Dublin in 1963 (and a terrific little book that still commands respect). She had a passion for real food and wrote brilliantly. I was reminded of this when I was contemplating the snails in the garden today. Her account of cooking the Irish snail is a classic piece of writing and brilliantly funny. I should add that I quite like snails. Anyway, here it is.
A SURFEIT OF SNAILS
Danyele, a young French girl, spent a holiday with us in Ireland some years ago. It was one of those ecstatic summers that we still remember with nostalgia. The sun shone, day after day; for three months.
A short time before she left for home, we had our first shower of rain in two months. The snails, surprised by this good fortune, came out of their hiding places in battalions to graze on the lawn.
“Escargots!” said Danyele in raptures. “They are so delicious, specially with the butter a la Bourguignonne.
“But you can’t eat those snails,” I said. “They’re ordinary snails, not like the special snails you get in France.”
“It makes no matter. These are les petits gris. We cook them in Corsica all the time. It is very mad not to eat escargots. They cost you nothing except the butter, and they are very well.”
Well, anything for peace. We collected a box of snails and left them overnight, hoping to starve the harm out of them. I, for one, went uneasily to bed. Next morning the brutes, instead of being shyly curled up in their shells, were rampant and entwined round each other in what was, probably, a farewell embrace. I have rarely seen a less mouth-watering sight.
Danyele poked and prodded them with elegant, manicured fingers. “That one, he is very well, you think?” she said holding up a particularly unappetizing bull snail. What could I reply but that he looked lovely? After some more engaging comments, she proceeded to wash the snails (which were, all the time, half-in and half-out of their shells) with the abandon of any young girl rinsing out her dainty “smalls”. To my horror, she was called away before she got any further with the operation, but she looked so disappointed that promised to take over if she told me what to do. Here are the instructions, exactly as I got them:
“Wash the snails in several waters and put them in the water during two hour with big salt, vinegar and a pinch of flour. Wash again with big water the snails, and make them white during five minutes in boiling water. Drain them and make them become fresh. Put away the flesh from the shells. Cut away the black part which is at the end of the animal.
“Put them after, the snails in a pan. Wet them with half white wine and half soup, this liquid in sufficient quantity to cover them. Put in this liquid carrots, onions and a strong bouquet garni. Salt them and cook with a little ebullition during three or four hours. Make them become cold where they have cooked. Make boil during half an hour the shells empty in water with crystals of soda. Drain them. Wash them with fresh water and dry them. Put in the bottom of the shells butter a la Boruguignonne. Put the snails in the shell and fill this last with the butter a la B.
“The proportions have been established like this for one hundred snails of well big. Add to 100 grammes of very fine butter this ingredients: 10 grammes of eschalots well chopped, 2 cloves of garlic chopped and put in dough, two strong spoons of parsley, seasoned. Add 24 grammes salt and 4 grammes pepper and well mix them.”
As you can see, Escargots a la Bourguignonne is no cake-walk.
I was left with the snails washed in big water. I lifted them out with a strainer. I have a revulsion against handling snails that are half-out of their shells. “God help us, they’d put you in mind of goats with the horns sticking up,” said Mary, my maid, eyeing them from a safe distance.
I put them into a basin with a handful of salt, a dash of vinegar, and some water. When I came back, two hours later, the snails were in their shells (dead, I presume), and the basin was filled with drifts of congealed slime. I washed them again in many waters and threw them into boiling water to blanch them. After the blanching, I was faced with the job of taking the snails out of their shells. This operation was performed with a darning needle. They came out in as neat a curl as ever you saw. They reminded me of miniature tubas with the wide lip at the top. (Unfortunately, they also reminded me of snails.)
I followed the instructions and put them to cook with the white wine, the onions and the rest of the paraphanalia. They went on cooking for about three hours. In the meantime, the shells were boiled in washing soda and then rinsed in big water, and I now turned my mind to the butter a la Bourguignonne. Well, that’s easy anyhow. It’s just butter (about a half pound of it), pounded garlic and shallot, parsley and salt and pepper.
I forgot to mention that I took the precaution of buying two dozen of the French tinned snails (which are sold complete with snails), so that we would have them for comparison.
The day is wearing on now. It is now 6.30 p.m. and I have been at the snails almost continuously since 10.30 this morning. The Sheridan snails are cooling in the water in which they have been cooked, the French snails are awaiting the moment when they will be re-assembled in Ireland. Over-blown, beige French snails lie beside their tabby Irish counterparts. Fat French slugs overshadow the delicate Irish molluscs.
The big moment arrives when the snail is again wedded to shell. First, a little butter a la B, then the snail; press firmly with your finger, as though you were filling grandfather’s pipe or scratching a waxy ear. When the snail is well out of sight, fill the shell with more butter a la B. When the shells are filled, put them in a hot oven until the butter begins to bubble and they are ready for the gourmets of the family.
Alas, my story is not yet finished. After all this trouble, it was found that there was no snail cutlery in the house. The best we could do was to unbend some paper-clips and re-fashion them into snail extractors.
Danyele and my husband sucked up the snails with great gusto and assured me that the Irish vaierty had more gout. I toyed with a French and an Irish cousin, but without relish. I never did like snails, no matter what language they spoke. I have always found them tasteless, pretentious and without flavour. Without the garlic butter they are almost uneatable. I know. I tried one in the kitchen. It tasted like a hard-worked baby’s teat.
“We must have snails often,” said my husband, wiping a buttery chin with a freshly laundered napkin.
We must… OVER MY DEAD BODY!
From Monica’s Kitchen, published by Castle Publications, Dublin, 1963