The death of the platform shoe – thank you, Mischa Barton
Y’know what I’m sick of? (Well, c’mon, the headline kind of gives it away.) The platform. That Georgia Salpa, Irish model, Kim Kardashian staple – the classic court shoe with the extra two inches tacked on beneath the sole, usually …
Y’know what I’m sick of? (Well, c’mon, the headline kind of gives it away.) The platform. That Georgia Salpa, Irish model, Kim Kardashian staple – the classic court shoe with the extra two inches tacked on beneath the sole, usually visible from space or, at the very least, from in front, where the wearer appears to be attempting to do some kind of advanced stilt-walking but, y’know, without taking it seriously. As Kimmy herself might say, they’re klunky.
And it took Mischa Barton’s appearance in Dublin – to promote her upcoming jaunt in Steel Magnolias with Madge-from-Neighbours, wearing Littlewoods Ireland (now completely sold out), no less – for me to see the error of my, and all of our, ways.
Mischa’s look here is almost perfect – a very cute, age-appropriate yet ladylike dress, great hair and make-up . . . and then. Those monstrosities, strapped to her feet in a style reminiscent of Jessica Simpson, or Holly from Girls of the Playboy Mansion, or Krystle on a Friday night when Celebrity Salon has just wrapped and we need to congratulate each other on our OMG-amazing-acting-like.
Who invented the platform? And why? If it’s for height, chances are, it’s unnecessary – platforms are now mostly seen on shoes that really do not need those extra two inches. I can appreciate a slight hidden platform as a way to diminish pain and suffering, but these over-the-top platforms remind me only of club feet and strippers. And, frankly, I’d rather look like I had a club foot than that I was a stripper.
The only exception – and an honourable one, at that – comes in the form of the wedge, which is in itself a form of fuck-you to fashion. Wedges don’t say “sexy”, never mind scream it – to no avail, usually – in the way platforms do. Clunky wedges say you’re a bit too cool to spend your Friday nights trying to make people think you’re sexy and, in any case, you don’t take your shopping tips from Debbie Does Dallas, Victoria’s Secret catalogues or (heavens!) Jenna Jameson.