Affairs of the stomach
(I know, more Anna Selezneva – I think this is the internet’s “she’s not anorexic” proof photograph.) Last week, I made the decision to cut wheat and dairy out of my diet, for a combination of reasons. Firstly, I want …
(I know, more Anna Selezneva – I think this is the internet’s “she’s not anorexic” proof photograph.)
Last week, I made the decision to cut wheat and dairy out of my diet, for a combination of reasons. Firstly, I want to look just like Miley Cyrus. Miley cut gluten out of her diet and lost loads of weight, although I’m quite suspicious about all of these “Miley at the gym” photographs that have been cropping up. If I’m going to cut out an entire food group, I don’t want to have to exercise, too.
Secondly, I suffer from IBS (which my mother thinks, because it’s not in her Home of Today book, is a made-up ailment), with the result that I spend a lot more time than I think I oughta clutching my stomach or generally feeling unwell, even if I’m not being quite so dramatic as to clutch publicly. Various doctors, allergists, acupuncturists (I know) and so on have recommended that I give up wheat and dairy, but I was always a bit lazy and / or unwilling. What is life without bread and cheese? My Parisian self doesn’t want this Orwellian future, devoid of bread and joy. Still, the time came to give it a try, and in the name of health and experimentation and tenuous links between fashion and aesthetics (ahem), I thought I would share what I have learned, namely:
1. Almond milk is quite nice, if, by quite nice, I mean, you can’t really taste it if you try not to think about what it is you’re eating and don’t put too much of it on your cereal.
2. It is difficult to find cereal without wheat in it. I have resorted to granola from Superquinn (which, I believe, does the best range of obscure, slightly pretentious healthfoods), porridge made with water and eggs, having not quite made up my mind as to whether or not they are a dairy product.
3. Breakfast is the most important, and tricky, meal of the day. Get that right and I honestly believe you (or I, in this case) are laughing.
4. When you’re cutting out such obvious and easy-to-get food groups, you’re going to need snacks. I am currently on a smoked almonds kick, because I know that if I got caught short, I’d go for a croissant. I’m also eating a lot more fruit, which can only be a good thing. Fruit is so portable – so handy! Who knew?
5. Eating out is difficult, and you feel like a totally w*nker. (That asterisk is for you, mother.) I never wanted to be the one going, “sorry, but is there dairy in that?” I always wanted to be the one to go, “sorry, I’m actually coeliac” which is, I feel, a far better excuse for being a picky eater than “I read this article about how Miley Cyrus cut out gluten and I thought I’d do it too only with wheat and dairy – now can I just have the salmon darn?” Embarrassing.
6. I’ve ended up eating a lot of rice. And a lot of dark chocolate. These are potentially not good results of my new “health” kick, but, y’know, at least I’m not eating crispy white rolls.
7. Going to Superquinn for healthfoods is hard, because then you will have to pass through the crispy white roll aisle.
8. Desserts are a no-go. Even if you find a flourless cake, it will have butter in it. I suspect sorbet would be my friend, if anyone ever served it any more. Damn the passing of time, why can’t it be the 1980s again, so we could just eat sorbet and melon with Parma ham?
So that’s it. Eight lessons so far. I’ll keep you updated – and let me know if you have any diet quirks (and how long it will take me to look like Miley). I’m working on a collaboration with Louis Vuitton today (exciting!) so I won’t be online but I’ll be back tomorrow to address any and all of your queries. Adios, kittens!