All Night Olympics »

  • O archery, archery! Where art thou, archery?

    August 16, 2008 @ 5:48 am | by Seán Kenny

    01:30: Be brave, for we bear ill tidings. Are you sitting? Good.

    All archery competition in the XXIX Olympiad has ceased.

    Deep breaths now. We knew you would be upset. We hadn’t even got started on the Robin Hood jokes.

    01:37: On reflection, it may be no bad thing the bows-and-arrows game is over. We had begun to question the wisdom of continually goading Ireland’s highly-armed archers. It wasn’t really fair on either of them. There is only so much ridicule a proud marksman armed to the teeth with arrows will take before reprisals become inevitable. One minute you are complacently jesting about archery, the next a hail of arrows crashes through the double-glazing. (more…)

  • Archery for dummies and the sad elimination of George Bovell III

    August 15, 2008 @ 6:04 am | by Seán Kenny

    01:18: We received a comment yesterday from ‘Disraelite.’ It read:

    ‘What is the point of all this?’

    Be assured, Disraelite, we ask ourself that very question each night. When we have arrived at a satisfactory answer, you will be first to know.

    01:28: Splendid. Barry Davies is commentating on a replay of the GB v
    New Zealand women’s hockey match.

    01:32: ‘I find it very difficult to understand what’s going on.’ Barry Davies, oracle of sports commentary, finds his omniscience has deserted him as he struggles to understand why a GB goal has been disallowed. We wager he’d have had less trouble grappling with the technical complexities of a disallowed New Zealand goal. (more…)

  • Ball-hogging and the blue riband

    August 14, 2008 @ 5:40 am | by Seán Kenny

    01:32: Before the night’s live action commences, we take in some football highlights. Nigeria defeat the US 2-1. After the game, Nigerian coach Samson Siasia makes one of the more deranged eccentric comments of the Games so far, criticising his own team. What has him so exercised?

    Ball-hogging.

    Ball-hogging, a known scourge of the modern game, like diving, referee intimidation and Robbie Savage. Siasia also presumably berated Nigeria’s scorers for being goal hangers. Following their win, the Super Eagles will be hogging more ball in the quarter-finals.

    02:14: Tonight’s volleyball soundtrack includes cowboy music sung in Mandarin. This is the dark side of globalization.  
    (more…)

  • World record hour at the Water Cube and more

    August 13, 2008 @ 5:56 am | by Seán Kenny

    01:31: Welcome to another night of coverage from All Night Olympics HQ. If you’re looking for up-to-the-minute news and incisive analysis, you’ve come to the wrong place. If, on the other hand, you’re in the market for arbitrary broadsides against swimmers, Barry Davies and the entire sport of archery, stick around. We fervently hope Barry Davies is commentating on hockey tonight.

    02:15: Argentina are playing the US in men’s beach volleyball. The fact that it’s the US sadly precludes the possibility of the Argentines annoying England in some way. (more…)

  • Political volleyball and the battle royale of Asian archery

    August 12, 2008 @ 6:01 am | by Seán Kenny

    01:22: For sustenance tonight we have coffee and a large jar of jellybeans. We wait with interest to see how the combined stimulant effect of the sugar and caffeine interacts with the combined soporific effect of its being 4 AM and there being archery on TV.

    01:42: Argentina are playing GB in women’s hockey, a fixture unlikely to be overflowing with mutual affection. Barry Davies displays admirable restraint in not even mentioning the Hand of God once. (more…)

  • Faster, Higher, Longer

    August 11, 2008 @ 8:22 am | by Seán Kenny

    ‘Do you fancy staying up all night for a couple of weeks and writing a blog about TV coverage of the Olympics?’ asked the sports editor. ‘Certainly,’ I replied, still addled from a bang to the head I had recently sustained.

    Recovering brain equilibrium some time later, I realised what I had agreed to. Having issued a lengthy and colourful string of expletives, I finally came to accept my sleep-deprived lot. After all, who could disagree that what the country really needs in these troubled times is a sarcastic blog about the Beijing Olympics? (more…)


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