A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a clean horse!

01:40: Strictly speaking, this falls outside our remit. However, a matter of such gravity must not be ignored. For the record, we are shocked, appalled and dismayed at yesterday’s news that Irish rider Denis Lynch’s horse Lantinus tested positive for a banned substance. Lynch said he was ‘shattered’ and well he might be. I mean, what was the horse thinking? These thoroughbred gee-gees, it all goes to their heads – the women, the money, the fame. Before you know it they’re jabbing a hypodermic syringe into their veins round the back of the stables, seeking ever-greater thrills. You wouldn’t have caught Arkle or Shergar at any of that business. Not a bit of it. A pint of plain was enough for them. But horses these days! O Lantinus! What have you done?

01:48: We would report on RTE’s coverage tonight, but we were blinking earlier. While we ponder litigious action for false advertising, the reader may be interested to hear that the latest episode of Olympics Through The Night lasted just shy of 30 minutes. They had a meeting in Greenwich and now the night begins at 12.25 and ends at 12.55.

02:06: BBC it is. The taekwondo boys are usually good value. They frequently say things like: ‘Ooh, cracking connection to the cranium there.’

02:47: Not a lot is happening so far tonight.

02:51: Words of wisdom from Colin Jackson: ‘Decathletes are the jack of all trades, master of none.’ Yes, Colin. This is implied by the whole ten-discipline aspect of the decathlon.

02:53: The men’s 5okm funny walk is on tonight. However, very few things that last three-and-three-quarter hours are funny.

02:55: Early in the funny walk, a funny walker tripped over, got up and, by way of compensation, simply ran for several metres. Running, being hardly amusing at all, is a grave contravention of the spirit of the funny walk. Ban this man for life.

02:58: Clare Balding is pretending she is:

A)    Knowledgeable about

B)    Not completely indifferent to

the sport of BMX cycling.

03:06: Finally, the taekwondo lads say something vaguely alarming: ‘If you’re a parent of a 4-year-old, get them into taekwondo,’ says one.

‘We have three-year-olds in our gym,’ adds the other. ‘As kids are growing up so much faster these days, it’s good to get them in at that age.’

‘What do they do?’

‘Oh, they play games and that.’

Whether these are head-kicking games remains unclear.

03:14: The beach volleyball people have loaned their Essential Rave Anthems CD to the table tennis people. Could anyone reading from Beijing please locate this CD and destroy it?

03:30: The men’s baseball semi-final between Japan and South Korea is beginning.

03:33: The baseball yields a new world record.

03:33: For hot dog sales, silly.

03:44: We are wondering why we expected anything to happen in a baseball match. Anything at all.

03:50: The decathlon continues with the discus event. The javelin takes place later today. Speaking of the javelin (ah, so seamless, so smooth these transitions), we received a text from a friend the other day, caviling over our failure thus far to make reference to ‘that great hirsute Olympian, Fatima Whitbread.’

The message included a humorous rhyming nickname ascribed to Ms Whitbread. Fearing libel, said friend expressly forbade All Night Olympics from publishing this amusing sobriquet. Interestingly, however, he has just embarked on a ten-day trek through a portion of the Appalachian Mountains (he is an unusual fellow) where the Internet is a purely theoretical notion.

03:52: We have been doing some research. It seems that a gentleman of the law contracted by Ms Whitbread once made representations to the BBC over jocular remarks made about his client on They Think It’s All Over some years ago. Fearing a crippling defamation case, we will desist from publication of the nickname. And such cavalier irreverence has no place on All Night Olympics in any case.

04:00: Exciting news. GB v Australia in women’s hockey. In the commentary box: Mr Barry Davies. Do your work, Barry.

04:15: The rising star of the UK taekwondo scene, well, we all know his name, is up next. He decided to take up taekwondo having viewed The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers cartoon, taking particular inspiration from the White Ranger. All Night Olympics takes a ‘tsk, kids these days’ attitude to The Power Rangers, having been reared in the era of the much classier, not to mention altogether more credible, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

04:16: ‘His opponent is Anju Jason of the Marshall Islands, who we hope is just happy to be here.’ Non-patronising commentary on the BBC.

04:36: The beach volleyball people have been having a car-boot sale. My Sharona by The Knack, last heard at the Chaoyang Park arena, is now playing at half-time in the hockey.

05:00: It’s taken a while, and we were even beginning to lose faith in him, but Barry Davies has come good. Context: GB have just had a goal disallowed in typically unjust circumstances. Here’s Barry: ‘At the risk of being accused of British bias, I do not think that is a good decision for hockey.’ This may be a career highlight. He actually said ‘at the risk of being accused of British bias’ and he was not joking.

05:12: US beach volleyball pair Todd Rogers and Phil Dalhausser follow their female compatriots by winning gold. All Night Olympics is having an early (very early) night.