The strange tale of Marty Morrissey and the praying mantises

01:41: Strange thoughts arrive unbidden in the watches of the night. The spectre of rickets has been haunting All Night Olympics. Deprived by our nocturnal existence of the nourishing Vitamin D provided by the sun’s rays, and hopped up on caffeine, we have been more than usually neurotically concerned. Could our mission be exacting a terrible physical toll on our precious bones? We consulted Herself, who knows about such things. It seems that if the Games of the Olympiad lasted 18 months and we were confined to a dungeon for their entire duration, there might be a problem. Since the 18-month Dungeon Olympics are still at an early planning stage, we are relieved to find that we face no imminent threat of bone-softening.

01:54: Due to biblical quantities of rain, the BMX cycling has been cancelled. There, there. By way of consolation, the women’s funny walk will shortly commence.

01:57: The men’s 10km swim begins in a few minutes. We think we have spotted a single, errant hair on a swimmer’s chest. [Takes closer look] Ah no, just a speck of dust on the screen.

02:00: The funny walk, also known as the power walk, is off. A nation of shellsuited middle-aged women casts its eyes screenward.

02:01: George Hamilton explains the rules governing the funny walk. It seems that at least one of the competitors’ feet must be touching the ground at all times, in the most humorous manner possible.

02:20: Nice to have RTE back tonight. We hope the station’s employees are well rested following their night off yesterday, whilst All Night Olympic was slaving over a hot laptop.  

02:41: The Chinese pair beat their Brazilian opponents to bronze in women’s beach volleyball. Speaking of women’s beach volleyball (seamless transition to something we’ve been seeking an excuse to use), who saw Marty Morrissey’s report on said subject yesterday evening? Because no one watching the Olympics has ever seen a woman in a bikini before, the RTE man boldly ventured to Chaoyang Park. Marty, a known Lothario, arrived to the arena in a golf buggy. Panting and goggle-eyed, he surveyed the abundant array of bronzed female flesh before him. Having received oxygen following what we can only assume were several fainting episodes, Marty danced a jig for the mirthful viewers back home. He thought we were laughing with him. Oh, we were certainly laughing. Pointing and laughing.

02:59: Hammering rain is falling. Pairs of every animal are being gathered around Beijing. And the showers which have been installed around the funny walk course are still running.

03:04: Some of the competitors in the 10km swim have eschewed the new figure-hugging suits which make the average medieval corset look as roomy as a muumuu, thereby sensibly allowing normal respiratory functioning.

03:12: A Greek swimmer among the leading pack was born in Liverpool. Amazingly, the BBC boys are claiming him for
Britain. A bit like the Elgin Marbles, then.

03:31: ‘They’re like a couple of praying mantises who go in trying to poke each others’ eyes out.’ The ancient art of taekwondo reduced to a scrap between a couple of carnivorous insects.

03:51: ‘This has a very low degree of difficulty,’ says the BBC diving guru. We were thinking the very same thing about the Italian diver’s shockingly unambitious armstand back double somersault one-and-a-half twist-pike. Adding insult to injury, she is ‘overly vertical’, failing utterly to defy gravity on her ten-metre descent. It seems the youth of today are simply not committed to honing their gravity-defying armstand back double somersault one-and-a-half twist-pike technique. We blame the parents.

03:56: Galway woman Olive Loughnane gives a side-splitting performance to finish seventh in the funny walk.

04:00: Team GB’s David Davies has won silver in the 10km swim. We just thought you would like to know. It may never be mentioned again on BBC.

04:16: The torrential rain has draped a grey veil of incongruity over the women’s beach volleyball final between China and the US (Readers: ‘Look, he’s trying to be poetic now. Stick to the jokes, Kenny.’).

04:23: Soon, the supply of rain in the atmosphere will be exhausted and frogs will begin to fall.

04:43: American pair Kerri Walsh and Misty May Traenor win their second successive Olympic gold in beach volleyball. Their Chinese opponents probably don’t wish they all could be California girls.

05:19: We learn that a taekwondo fighter is a member of the Dutch Air Force. We refuse to even repeat the punning sobriquet ascribed to him. Our intermittent Worst Pun of the Day award to the taekwondo commentator.