World exclusive: Gateshead is nothing like Brazil

01:12: All Night Olympics was putting in some overtime yesterday evening, watching RTE’s highlights programme. Yes, we know you worry we’re working too hard. We watched bashful analyst Eamonn Coghlan’s famed modesty shine through as he listed himself among a list of great and charismatic runners of yesteryear.

01:32: Because the network’s employees have not spent most of the last week talking about Team GB’s medal wins, BBCi helpfully replays these glorious occasions each night. The reader may have heard that Team GB did rather well in the track cycling. Bradley Wiggins is so good he is ‘Olympic champion and gold medal winner.’ Team GB’s exploits have been so dazzling, they defy even tautology.

02:04: The women’s hammer is commencing. Sorry, now, but it’s clearly not a hammer. Unless you like your hammers condensed into a sphere and attached to a chain. Staunch in our traditionalism, we prefer the conventional T-shape.

02:12: A shot of Usain Bolt on the warm-up track next to the Bird’s Nest. Bolt’s languor gives the average sloth the appearance of feverish industry.

02:29: One S Frizell of Canada is up in the hammer. According to RTE’s Tony O’Donoghue, she is ‘Susanna’. According to the graphic onscreen she is called ‘Sultana’. She is a formidable, amply-proportioned lady and since she scares us, we would like to get her name right.

02:30: Having conducted rigorous research (thank you, Wikipedia), we can confirm that ‘Sultana’ is in fact Ms Frizell’s given name. She now takes her place alongside George Bovell III in the Pantheon of Humorously Named Olympians.

02:41: A close-up of a hammer caught in the netting conclusively proves that attempting to use this object to strike a nail into a wall would lead to widespread destruction of the surrounding area.

02:49: Ireland’s David Gillick is denied by a dastardly monozygotic conspiracy as Belgian twins Kevin and Jonathan Borlee qualify ahead of him in the 400m heats.

03:01: The women’s triathlon, which includes Irish team member Emma Davis, is underway.

03:04: We are informed that the site of the triathlon was chosen on feng shui principles. Triathlon fans can rest easy in the knowledge that all the furniture on the course has been placed at least eight inches from the wall.

03:10: Team GB’s two triathlon competitors ‘do not come from hot places’, being natives of Northampton and Bridgend. The respective microclimates of Gloucestershire and the East Midlands have a lot to answer for.

03:15: ‘You’re hoping the people in front of you aren’t going to kick you in the face.’ We can all relate to this. Quoting out of context is a cheap source of humour. All Night Olympics is a cheap blog (note to The Irish Times: not financially cheap).

03:18: A Brazilian triple-jumper who trains in the northeast of England dutifully jumps on the treble. ‘Gateshead is nothing like Brazil,’ says the commentator. A night of geographical revelations on the BBC.

03:28: Usain Bolt, beloved of all sub-editors working in the English language for the punning opportunities provided by his surname, is up next in his 200m heat.  Raising our head above the tipping parapet, we boldly predict he will win.

03:34: What would happen if Bolt actually ran at full tilt for an entire race? He seems afraid of demolishing some law of physics. In customary fashion, he simply stops sprinting for the final ten per cent of the 200m race, allowing Trinidadian Rondell Sorillo win, while Bolt qualifies in second place. This man flaunts his talent with such nonchalant exuberance. His showboating is impossible to dislike. We really hope no nasty news emerges about Usain Bolt (All Night Olympics pledges to now desist from serious commentary).

03:43: Athenry man Paul Hession qualifies from his 2oom heat, finishing third.  Fearing that he will sprint to All Night Olympics HQ and beat us up with his muscular forearms, we will refrain from making a joke at his expense.

04:02: Europop night at the beach volleyball arena. Hang the DJ.

04:44: Women’s triathlon on BBC: ‘Normally it’s windy in this part of Japan.’ The top-secret change of location of the XXIX Olympiad is revealed.

04:59: Australian Emma Snowsill takes gold in the women’s triathlon. All Night Olympics has a friend who has completed two Chicago triathlons. We have just realised what a masochistic maniac he is.

05:07: Emma Davis finishes the triathlon in 37^th.

05:12: An abject failure in the RTE sports department. The song ‘Come On, Eileen’ is completely omitted from the introduction to hammer thrower Eileen O’Keefe’s heat.

05:31: We assume Barry Davies is working on the GB v US hockey match later today. More from Barry tomorrow then.

05:40: ‘They’re naked out there.’ Australia v Lithuania in naked basketball. The Australians are also labeled ‘very offensive.’ This is another cheap quote out of context.