Me and Barry Davies, part four
01:20: Regular readers (Hi Mam, Dad) will be pleased to hear that the dulcet tones of Mr Barry Davies are currently gracing a screening of the GB v US women’s hockey match.
01:29: ‘There’s the gang, doing their Last Night of the Proms thing a little early.’ Barry sees a sea of Union Jacks in the stands. The rest of us see four GB supporters.
01:54: Says the BBC’s Clare Balding: ‘We’ve been going on a lot about Great Britain’s medal winners.’ Not at all, Clare. How could we ever tire of being regaled repeatedly with the story of Joanne Jackson’s bronze medal in the 400m freestyle? And we will all eternally cherish memories of the golden performance of GB’s Yngling crew. Despite having no idea what a Yngling crew does. Well, they yngle, obviously, but apart from that.
02:21: The US are playing Brazil in the first women’s beach volleyball semi-final. All Night Olympics has become rather fond of beach volleyball over the last couple of weeks.
02:30: Except when Essential Rave Anthems is playing over the PA.
02:39: Or Uptown Girl.
02:40: Beach volleyball players high five one another more or less constantly. There is no event that will not occasion high-fiving on a beach volleyball court: the calling of time-outs, unforced errors by opponents, the onset of nuclear Armageddon.
02:42: This is not a joke. Team GB’s Jade Johnson, a long jumper who competes this morning, is allergic to sand. It causes her to break out in massive rashes. Which explains why she repeatedly and voluntarily hurls herself into the stuff, of course.
03:04: The men’s diving is on. With former Olympic champion Jürgen Klinsmann retired and Cristiano Ronaldo injured, who will take the crown?
03:11: A Chinese diver named He Chong is up. ‘Well, I called him ‘He-Man’ yesterday and it’s still true today,’ chuckles the Beeb commentator. Well, of course you did. You, sir, win Worst Pun of the Day. Another glorious triumph for Team GB.
03:32: Brazilian long jumper, Maurren Higa Maggi, who enjoys the advantage of not experiencing a violent dermatological reaction to sand, has qualified for the final.
03:52: ‘Ooh, a little bit too flamboyant there from Ken.’ Back at the diving, a competitor scuppers his chances by performing an excessive 19 somersaults ‘twixt board and pool. Of course, 18 is customary.
04:03: A long jumper named Anju Bobby George steps up. This leads the commentator to relate a conversation he had with darts legend Bobby George concerning that sport’s unjust exclusion from the Games. ‘More people throw darts than do the triple jump,’ argued Bobby sensibly, although he cursed profusely when he said it. We second Bobby’s campaign. Darts is an almost entirely wonderful sport. Don’t even get us started on the nicknames (Bravedart, The Prince of Dartness, The Limestone Cowboy). And what other sport, pray tell, can boast a leading player who dresses up as Count Dracula before every match?
04:05: Sand allergy sufferer Jade Johnson has qualified for Friday’s long jump final. She must now postpone that beach holiday she’s booked.
04:22: It’s true. The triathlon really is a sapping endurance test. It looks hard to compete in too.
04:33: A North Korean table tennis player is playing his preliminary round match. For his sake we hope he wins. Nothing focuses the mind like the prospect of explaining your failure back in Pyongyang to a tyrannical despot with a chronic case of small man syndrome and an extensive collection of concentration camps.
04:50: German Jan Frodeno wins the men’s triathlon. Finally. Now, more volleyball please.
05:00: A positive orgy of high-fiving precedes the women’s (court) volleyball semi-final between Japan and
Brazil. The players are presumably attracted to this form of the sport by the greater high-fiving opportunities offered by the larger number of players involved.
05:17: We’ve flicked back to the table tennis, but there is no sign of the North Korean player. Are those helicopter blades we hear whirring in the background?
05:33: There is a hockey match on, but since it is on RTE and therefore offers no opportunity to mock Barry Davies, we only stick with it a few minutes.
05:47: We are sad to report that the Synchronised Synchronised
Swimming Swimming
is on too late / early to be ridiculed by All Night Olympics. It starts at 08:00 Irish time.
3:45 pm
In reference to pecuilar allergies:
Manchester United’s Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is allergic to grass….
Comment by Steph