Michael Phelps becomes the greatest human being in recorded history
01:01: Forgive us, dear reader, if we are (even more) frazzled this morning but we are still reeling from Dublin’s meltdown in the face of a disgracefully superb Tyrone performance. Still, of what import are mere parochial sporting affairs when the global games of the Olympiad proceed?
01:07: The women’s marathon is passing through Tiananmen Square. The Chinese government has magnanimously agreed not to have the participants mown down with guns. Gentle souls.
01:11: The runners pass a huge image of Mao Tse-tung, who beams down with that air of avuncular psychopathy he perfected. The Chairman would doubtless be thrilled to learn that several restaurants have been named in his honour. Mao’s regime was of course responsible for several million innocent deaths, proving that you can never be too evil to dissuade a determined restaurateur from naming a chain of Asian fusion eateries after you.
01:14: We note that another Dublin restaurant is named after Benito Mussolini. Hitler and Stalin must be jealous.
01:34: We have much to be thankful to the British Broadcasting Corporation for. Barry Davies is in the commentary box for the GB v Canada men’s hockey match.
O1:48: ‘Well, the umpire didn’t really help him there.’ Barry Davies highlights a gross miscarriage of justice as a wicked umpire scuppers a GB player’s goalscoring chance by flagrantly applying the rules of the game.
01:52: ‘It’s Sunday morning, time to read the papers.’ Barry explains GB’s sluggish start in the game, conveniently ignoring that, for the Canadian team, who exist in the same space-time continuum as GB, it is Sunday morning too.
02:15: The marathon runners are leaving a trail of discarded water bottles in their wake. Litterbugs. To a woman, they have eschewed the novelty beer hat, smart choice of the environmentally-conscious distance runner as a means of hydration.
02:45: Displaying his lexical prowess, Barry uses the term ‘stickability’.
02:49: ‘You are allowed to show fatigue in the last mile of a marathon.’ Compassionate commentary on the BBC.
02:57: Romanian Constantina Tomescu Dita wins the marathon. Paula Radcliffe, on the other hand, disgraces Team GB by failing to claim her birthright by winning an Olympic gold.
03:05: The final night of swimming from the Water Cube is about to begin.
03:08: Gold for German Britta Steffen in the women’s 50m freestyle. Pathetically, she sets only a mere Olympic record, leaving the world record intact.
03:16: The men’s 1,500m freestyle final is far too long to command our attention. Ancient Australian, Greg Hackett, who is 28, will bravely attempt to haul his creaking form through the water.
03:31: The 1,500m freestyle finally ends. Superannuated Aussie Hackett finishes second. Tunisian Oussama Mellouli wins.
03:34: Fun fact: In 2006, Mellouli tested positive for amphetamines. The Tunisian authorities told him he was very naughty and banned him for precisely zero days. He was later given a backdated 18-month ban after a process involving the Court of Arbitration for Sport.
03:53: The Australians win the women’s 4 x 100m freestyle. Team GB are crestfallen. All Night Olympics is sleepy.
04:01: The men’s 4 x 100m medley relay is up next. Can Michael Phelps take one small stroke for man, one giant stroke for mankind?
04:12: MICHAEL PHELPS HAS BECOME THE GREATEST HUMAN BEING IN RECORDED HISTORY, AND THAT INCLUDES GANDHI, DA VINCI, SHAKESPEARE AND MICHAEL FLATLEY.
04:28: Women’s basketball: Australia v Russia. One of the Russian women is 6 foot 8. Does Peter Crouch have a girlfriend?
04:30: The tune to ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands’ has just been playing during a timeout in the basketball match. The numerous 2-year-olds in attendance clapped along.
04:30: We prefer the beach volleyball soundtrack.
05:02: The alien-helmetted sprint cyclists are doing their aerodynamic alien-shaped thing. Sprint cycling has the benefit of brevity, an area in which the Tour de France is sorely lacking.
05:06: ‘Chris Hoy is talking with his legs.’ We do not hear what his legs say in response.
05:38: Back to the women’s basketball. Almost all of the players have blonde highlights. The male umpires and referee, on the other hand, have made absolutely no effort. Typical.
8:33 am
Let us know if you want live commentary from Beijing to help with your blogs! The Bolt rocks!
Comment by Gareth F