Donal Foley; former news editor, deputy editor & columnist

IRELAND'S first hair shirt festival was opened yesterday by the Taoiseach Mr C J Haughey. It is financed by those two well-known benefactors Allied Irish Banks and the Bank of Ireland, and sponsored by the People of Ireland. The Taoiseach asked the people present to tighten their belts and there was much hitching, groaning and straining of muscles as people tried to get an extra bulge behind a tighter notch in the belt. (Man Bites Dog, 1980).

THE government last night decided to hold a sworn inquiry to find out why a number of Vietnamese boat people [fleeing persecution at home] had refused to come to Ireland. The refusal has come as a bit shock to to the Government which saw Ireland's future as a thriving refugee centre. It intends to publish a booklet … listing the many attractions, Ireland as a place bathed in sunshine and history, traffic-free roads, horse-drawn caravans, comely men in bawneens dancing with bigger comely maidens in disused car parks. (Man Bites Dog, 1979)

THE election of Bid as president of the Irish women's liberation movement comes as no surprise. Unquestionably she, of all Irish women liberated or unliberated has worked hardest to avert every crisis in this country and outside it. "Bid to solve ESB dispute", "Bid to bring in Robinson Bill", the headlines said when she stepped into the breach when Mrs Robinson's contraception Bill ran into trouble. Her cousin in Brussels is also heavily involved. "Government Backs EEC Bid" the Evening Press recently reported. (Man Bites Dog, 1973).

THE real patriot today was the man who drove at least 100 miles a day, smoked 100 cigarettes and drank "six Paddies and 10 pints" according to a spokesman for the Department of Finance. "This was the kind of man that kept the country going in difficult times." The official, the chief of Inland Revenue, was addressing the inaugural meeting of the "Friends of the National Debt". Two thousand people attended, most quite clearly drunk. The meeting ended with the singing of "Nellie Dean" (Man Bites Dog, 1976).

GARDAI last night swooped on a contraceptive dump at Termonfeckin, Co Louth. Army ballistics experts reckoned that the dump contained at least 200 million contraceptives or enough to keep Irish Roman Catholics going for at least two years. "The quality of Irish life could have been destroyed had we not discovered the dump", said a leading garda. Army experts armed with pins spent all night rendering the devices harmless. "We must have administered at least 10 million pin pricks, a tired army expert said early this morning." (Man Bites Dog, 1974)

PRESIDENT Childers yesterday opened a Home for Incurable Optimists in Dublin. The establishment of the new institution has divided medical opinion as it was felt that this particular condition, very rare in Ireland, would not respond to treatment. Yesterday there were signs that such views were over-pessimistic. A veteran republican who was carried into the home yesterday after he had been found bubbling over with enthusiasm outside the GPO was stated to be doing as well as could be expected. Nurses from his bedside said that he had been heard muttering that the country was in a state of chassis. Later he observed that he did not like the look of the country at all. The patient had been undergoing a continuous series of injections of the National Spirit since his arrival at the home, a bulletin said. (Man Bites Dog, 1973).

IRELAND'S first official slump was opened yesterday by the Taoiseach, Mr Haughey, at a ceremonial champagne banquet held in the vaults of the Central Bank, Dublin. It was an historic all-party occasion attended by thousands of champagne drinkers. To mark the occasion in a ceremonial way the Taoiseach broke a bottle of champagne over the head of the chairman of the Central Bank in the same manner as one launches a ship. (Man Bites Dog, 1980).