PeopleOpinion

The ‘go back to where you came from’ merchants are alive in ‘upmarket’ neighbourhoods too

Since our daughter was a tiny baby we have fielded the question, ‘Where is she from?’ on countless occasions

I am still waiting for an Asian or black Mary or Joseph in the school nativity play, rather than the usual blond and blue eyed child

Ita O'Kelly
Wed Apr 12 2023 - 05:00

I live in what can feel like an unique world in that I am white-skinned and my daughter is not. Through her, I have gained insights and a different perspective on race, ethnicity and what it means to be othered and cross-examined by strangers, based solely on your appearance.

Our daughter describes herself as East Asian. She is a long-standing Irish citizen. By contrast, she describes me as pink rather than white, a fact that I reluctantly accept. Her father is also white-skinned.

Since she was a tiny baby we have fielded the question, “Where is she from?” on countless occasions, often in the most unlikely settings. Changing rooms, supermarkets, public transport. Without exception, this question is asked by white people – more often than not, of a certain vintage. The inevitable “Ni hao” usually features in this unwanted conversation too.

Our modus operandi has always been to reluctantly accept the fact that the motivation behind this question is very often nothing more than idle curiosity. Just nosiness. It amounts to a failure to grasp that this is a deeply personal question and you don’t have an automatic entitlement to an answer. There is generally no harm intended. It can, however, be both tiresome and intrusive.

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There are a number of ways to respond. “It’s none of your business” risks incurring their wrath. Saying you are from Rathmines or Rathkeale is not the desired answer either. Why? Because it doesn’t explain why you look the way you do, which is generally the motivation behind the question. This also runs the risk of the follow-up question “Where are you really from?” which bears an accusatory tone and leaves an unpleasant aftertaste.

Reluctantly we have found the compromise to be “Asian Irish”, delivered with a deadpan stare, to discourage further questioning of a personal nature.

When you ask a person where they are from, you are effectively requesting a potted history of their roots. For some, this can be deeply painful. They may have suffered trauma and loss. Yielding such information also means revealing their status to you. Such information is essentially nobody’s business.

The other issue that comes up regularly is that of colour. It is never a black and white issue. There is a whole spectrum of skin colours between black and white. Asian people don’t describe themselves as black for obvious reasons, yet the default position of most white folk is to describe everyone apart from themselves as black.

So, what is the correct terminology to use? The American term of Black, Indigenous & People of Colour (BIPOC) is clunky and not relevant here. Black, Asian & Minority Ethnic (BAME) once favoured in the UK has now fallen out of use. Some people use People of Colour (POC) or Ethnic Minority. Others opt for the simple term “non-white” as it covers everyone. That is what we tend to use.

Representation matters. If the only time we see and hear from non-white people is when the issue of racism comes up, we are casting non-whites as victims only. The full spectrum of ethnic groupings have opinions and expertise in other areas also. The indiscriminate use of the term migrant to describe a person of colour is increasingly problematic here. Many non-white Irish people were in fact born and raised here. They are long-standing Irish citizens. Use of the term migrant is othering and patently incorrect in many instances.

[ Only 20% of victims of racist incidents last year contacted gardaí, survey finds ]

Well-intentioned urgings by the white community to “Stand Up to Racism” are as effective as eating soup with a fork. Instead, we need to educate people at all levels of society, especially those at the top, that inclusivity relates to the non-white community too. There is still no module on racism in Irish schools, as there should be. Extraordinary. Yet, there are endless modules and discussions about sexuality, gender and religion.

Three minutes on the topic of “It’s nice to be nice” at a school assembly amounts to a box-ticking exercise. It also fails to grasp the fact that hatred based on ethnicity is being used by certain groups to generate division in our society. And, actions always speak louder than words. I am still waiting for an Asian or black Mary or Joseph in the school nativity play, rather than the usual blond and blue eyed child. Representation matters.

The other misnomer is that racial prejudice is just the preserve of those from gritty neighbourhoods. Believe me, the “go back to where you came from” merchants are alive and in full voice in “upmarket” neighbourhoods too.

Prejudice based on skin colour is also prevalent in organisations. Have you ever been asked for your passport to board a coach or to verify your Leap Card with additional ID? Has your teenager been overtly shadowed by a shop assistant who then turns on a 1,000 watt smile once they realise she is with you? Has your child been habitually stopped for “random” security checks at airports, while her parents are waved through. Ours has.

I yearn for a time when I turn on the TV, go to the opera, the library or a parent-teacher meeting and see and meet people who reflect our multicultural society. A time when colour relates to scatter cushions rather than people’s faces.

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