My teenage daughter is bringing her boyfriend into the house when I am not there

I have two daughters, one of them is 16 and one of them is 17. The 17-year-old, I can't really trust and  I have to be very strict in what I allow her to do but the 16-year-old is very trustworthy and I think I could probably trust her more – let her stay out later and go to parties more but I don't want to treat them differently. 

This is causing a lot of friction in the family and I don't really know what to do. Myself and my partner disagree on the rules about what the kids are and aren't allowed do, which further creates tension and we don't know how to resolve it. 

My eldest daughter has a boyfriend and I have come home to find her boyfriend in the house and it really worries me. I have told her she is not allowed to have him in the house when I am not there and I now feel I have to have the same rule for my other daughter even though she is very different to the older one and I could probably trust her more. 

When she goes out I know she doesn’t drink. She has a very strong rule on alcohol and doesn’t want to be in a situation where she cannot be in control of herself. For this reason I feel she is more responsible than the older one but I also feel like it might be unfair to have different rules from my older daughter.

Even if you and your partner disagree on the rules, it is very common that different children have different needs from their parents, however it will be far more effective if you and your partner agree on what the fundamentals are for your teenagers.

There is an underlying sense here that you feel that you are unable to resolve this with your partner and so feel alone and struggling with the situation. The girls will be very aware of this and perhaps the older girl is taking advantage of this by pushing the boundaries.

I wonder if it is possible for you and your partner to have some structured discussion on what is best for the girls and if you cannot do this alone, could you agree on who might be helpful: some suggestions could be a teacher, godparent or relative so that you are not going down the familiar track of division. All teenagers have a keen sense of justice and will rail at any perceived unfairness but they are now almost at adulthood and must be included in any decisions in the home.

Discussions on sex, alcohol and safety are important for everyone and it is unlikely that any imposed rules will be accepted at their age, therefore an ongoing discussion and testing of suggestions needs to be put in place. Initially ask that everyone (including you and your partner) put everything they feel needs to be discussed on a large sheet of paper and prioritise those that the most people have ticked.

Agree that there will be a family discussion once a week (maybe on a Saturday at 11am, for example) for about an hour and then something will be trialled for a month to see if it is working. You will have to be part of this trial and if the girls suggest you do something about worrying, then you must take this seriously and show that you too can take on suggestions.

Part of the discussion must include what sanctions might be imposed when the boundaries are crossed and it is better that these come from the girls rather than you. In my experience, children impose stricter sanctions than parents when asked for their opinion on this. This will draw out the girls’ own sense of responsibility and self-reliance and show them how to get adult status through decision making and self-discipline. Mistakes will be made along the way and this is not to be a cause of annoyance and despair but is to be put aside for discussion at the next Saturday morning conversation. At late teenage years, parents are in a stage of high alert and want to protect their children from all the dangers of world but the job is now less protection and more guidance and faith. Your children will need different things from you: one will need you to be a constant presence at home to give them grounding and another will need you to push them out into the world of chance. What is important is that both children know that you have their best interests at heart and that you and your partner have the capacity and courage to implement what is needed at each stage of development. If you can model development in your own life, perhaps in terms of communicating with your partner, you will gain the respect and regard of your teenagers.