My daughter’s social life is shrinking. I fear for her

Problem

My daughter is having great difficulty adjusting to college and I don’t know how to help her.

She chose a college she knew most of her school friends would likely attend but this now seems to be working against her. She was so excited to get a place on the course she wanted, but unfortunately she has been very disappointed with the programme and at this stage it’s almost as though she has switched off.

She is in her second year now, and surprisingly, to me she hasn’t made any real college friends, just a few acquaintances whose names I hardly know. She sees her school friends regularly but some of them have got very involved with college groups and I see her social life shrinking as opposed to expanding, as I had thought this opportunity in college would have offered her.

I know she is getting down but she seems to confide more in her older brother rather than me. He is in his final year at a different college and she had told him that she now regrets her choice and that she didn’t follow more in his footsteps.

As I watch her disengage from her life I feel at a loss as to what to because all I can do is compare it to my own days at college which were certainly the best days of my life and set me up with lifelong friends and colleagues. I was also very independent and have raised my kids to be the same, but I fear for where all this is going with my daughter.

Advice

This is very difficult for you to observe – your child struggling and suffering when you expected expansion and joy. Many college students struggle with both their courses and their social lives in college and it is no longer the norm that everyone going to college has a fabulous social life and stimulating academic experience.

Many things contribute to these difficulties: transition issues, anxiety – both personal and social, and the very real pressure there now is to achieve highly.  Transition from a small, close-knit school class who have been together for at least six years to a college course that might have hundreds in it can be very daunting for those students who are not extrovert.

It may well be that they do not manage to make the initial inroads into friendships as everyone joins clubs and societies at the start of the year and feel awkward and embarrassed to be a second-year student trying again, thus losing out again on connection.

This increases an anxiety that is probably already heightened and so the student begins to avoid classes or social occasions in order to survive. It can then appear as though everyone else is connected in to the course or college and that the student is left abandoned or worse, rejected. On top of this your daughter appears to be disappointed in her course and she may yet have 2½ to three years to go to completion.

It can be difficult to judge whether your daughter should abandon her course as her attitude may be overshadowed by her experiences of disconnection and anxiety.

However, it would seem worthwhile to ask her to speak to her tutor, lecturer or academic adviser about her options regarding transitioning to another course.

If she completes her second year successfully, she could check if this allows her credits in other colleges that might offer her something closer to what she wants.

It is very demotivating and even deflating to spend four years working hard on something that does not stimulate or interest you.

The lack of integration or social community is also a huge issue in that this is a time in life when friendships and bonds are formed.  If there is some anxiety factored into this difficulty, I wonder if a trip to student counselling would be advised.

All colleges now offer counselling and have highly qualified and experienced people working within the campus or sometimes externally.

Anxiety and social anxiety are on the rise among college students and most colleges now offer psycho-educational courses or groups on this for students. Not only is there a lot of learning available from attending these workshops but it is also possible to connect with people in the same boat.

Another possibility for connection is to suggest to your daughter to consider volunteering in the college, perhaps with a student charity or a helpline.

This will allow connection with other students and as the contact is structured, it will allow for less anxiety or self-consciousness.

Student charities, such as Suas also train students to work abroad for the summer in countries needing support and this might also offer an experience of intense connection that is not based on one campus.

It is clear that your daughter needs to take some action so that she can have a life that is more fun and focused.